But does he KNOW he’s ugly?
by Steve Carter | April 12th, 2008
A recent article by a team of researchers showing that the happiest marriages are those in which the male is less attractive than the female has received a lot of attention in the press of late. People appear to be fascinated by the finding that relationships where a panel of objective observers rated the husband as less attractive than the wife appeared to be “happier” than relationships where the spouses were either similar or, even worse, where the husband was more attractive!
I’ve been forwarded articles about this article so many times, that I got curious. Do these men know that they are uglier than their wives? Much of the commentary about this article suggests that these less attractive husbands are more loving and supportive of their wives because they perceive that they have fewer options. Well, I don’t want to offend anyone (especially my friends)… but I’ve known a lot of ugly guys, and all of them have gotten married. However, none of them has ever, in my presence, evinced any indication that he thought he was any less attractive than any other guy in the room. I would submit that if a guy ever thinks to himself, “Well, I’m no Tom Cruise,” it’s generally in relation to financial rather than his physical assets.
So I decided to see if I could support my hunch that Cyrano de Bergerac was probably more worried about his bank account than his beak. As you may know, one of the many questions comprising the eHarmony Relationship Questionnaire is a simple item “How well do the following words describe you?” followed by the words “beautiful” or “handsome” depending on whether you are female or male. What you may not know is that a random sample of eHarmony users are surveyed each month and asked to rate their opinion of a match via a “pop-up” survey on our site. These ratings include a rating of appearance. So I decided to look at a sample of eHarmony matches and see how men and women were rating their own physical appearance, and how these ratings were related to the “objective” ratings provided by their matches (limiting the analysis to matches who had photos available to be seen by the user rating them).
Women in this sample were 3 times more likely to give themselves a rating of “less than average” (i.e, under 4 on a 7 point scale). At the same time, a consistent ordinal relationship was present for the average “objective” ratings of men based on the self-report of women. The average “appearance satisfaction” score received by women who scored themselves a 7 was higher than those who rated themselves a 6, average for 6’s was higher than 5’s, etc. In contrast, men who self-reported as “7’s” had a lower average score than men who score themselves as a “6,” and about the same as men who score themselves as a “5.” This suggests that women are either more honest about how they look, more accurate in their self-report, or both.
Although hardly definitive research (my sample was only about 5,000 potential daters, versus 82 married couples studied by McNulty’s team), I would suggest that married men who are less attractive than their wives may be more supportive, but they are unlikely to be aware that they should be in terms of any objective “appearance gap” noted by people outside the relationship.
C’mon, they’re guys.
Further Reading:
(April 10, 2008). Why beautiful women marry less attractive men. Live Science.
(Note: The original article does not actually provide any data on the relative incidence with which women DO marry less attractive men. Nor do the authors find that women or men in these relationships are significantly more satisfied!)
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April 14th, 2008 at 7:27 am
You are kidding, Ever guy know who the best looking guy in the room is. That doesn’t matter unless the women he is with says something. Potential daters are not a good group as one of the reasons they aren’t married is they think they are better looking than they are. The less attractive married men are realistic.
April 14th, 2008 at 8:55 am
I think guys are more aware of it than they let on. heterosexual men don’t typically get to flaunt it in the same way as women, nor are they used to being judged that way. But the good looking ones DEFINATELY know it, even if the ugly guys don’t think it’s important.
April 14th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
there is none so ugly as those who act ugly: whether male or female. it is time for adult people to hold to a higher standard than the lower primates, and to behave and act with fairness and equality regardless gender.
men act like beasts if you allow it: reward and punishment-give attention to his negative behaviors and he will continue therein.
Say, “NO!”, and hold to it, and men will respect you having a mind.
Strength and character and fortitude are not for the men only! Weakness and insecurity, and submissiveness are unattractive qualities in any person - regardless of gender; if Society would adopt this approach, the world would surely be a saner, more balanced, and enjoyable place for all of God’s creatures: human, animal, rock and ven mineral would benefit,;-)
April 14th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
mike and adam need to learn how to spell (especially when you spell a word wrong in CAPS); women like intelligence, confidence and humor. a guy who may not be “hot,” but who has personality, wit and knows who he is will become attractive in a woman’s eye even if he is not so initially. eden has some points, but men aren’t dogs to be trained - a loser is a loser - don’t waste your time trying to train them with reward and punishment. you can’t. men are attracted to the physical and then if she has the rest, they are interested. women will at least give men a chance even though they might not be one of the hottest guy in the room. i don’t think a guy would even talk to a bald woman, let alone marry her!!!! Give me a break.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Christine, awesome retort. Everything you said is absolutely true!
April 16th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Christine, several good points. Except I recently shaved my head to support a good friend going through a pretty rough illness–and was asked out despite being bald at the time.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:55 am
Kasey, you may think that what Christine said is true, but someone who is too lazy to use the shift key at the beginning of a sentence really should not criticize another’s accidental misspelling.
Her pontifications are, however, not true. They are the product of a very blinkered viewpoint.
I have dated a lady with a double mastectomy and we got along just fine until she found another bloke that she preferred. They are still together years later.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Just a little tidbit. Relationships should first of all be about two people coming together because they are strong together as spiritual beings. It makes the relationship unity. They should be there to encourage each other to reach their fullest potential. without this forget it all together.
April 20th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Honestly, quite a lot of men will not give a woman they see as unattractive a second glance. There are some of us who are more worried about getting along, having the same likes and dislikes, and just feeling the connection. But don’t fool yourself, there are millions of guys out there who want nothing to do with the chubby girl in the corner, no matter how great of a person she may be. They just don’t give them a chance. And that includes a lot of men who are ugly, and trust me, we know we are.
April 20th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
The bottom line is it comes down to attraction. Who and what attracts you is a relative issue. If you are attracted to bald, short, fat men… so be it! If you are attracted to Calvin Klein models.. so be it! Do you like your girls super thin? Great! Do you want them with big round behinds? Great! Why do people get so touchy about another person’s PERSONAL preference? Just learn to love yourself and to be excited about who YOU are. You are not going to convince a guy that loves dating super models to love the 4 ft chubby girl (not unless he WANTS to) HOWEVER, there will be a guy out there that will see that 4 ft chubby girl as a queen and will see that super model as nothing but skin and bones. There are exceptions to every rule because, once again, it’s a personal thing. And a guy that isn’t choosing me because I’m not Kate Moss isn’t hurting me, he’s doing me a huge favor because now I can move on to find the one that wants me how I am. And that guy that wants a Kate Moss look a like? Good luck to him. I wish him all the best. It doesn’t make me any less of an amazing woman!
I have another one for you! How many times have you seen a gorgeous guy with a not so pretty girl or vice versa? You see the people turn heads and whisper as they walk by hand in hand. I bet nobody would blink twice if they were both not so hot. Come on people, let’s get over it. Let’s stop taking other people’s personal preferences so personally. Who am I to say how a relationship should or shouldn’t be, how it would be the happiest, and who should date who and why? Based on what? My standards? My beliefs? My needs and wants? Why? How am I to say what will and won’t work FOR YOU? And a jerk isn’t a jerk because he’s hot, he’s a jerk because he’s a jerk! Do you see what I’m saying?
June 9th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Weeeeelllll, I dunno! All I have to relate is my vast personal experience with being an ugly male! BUT! I have had the attitude that I am a unique and amazing guy since I was 12! My experience has been that there are an awful lot of women out there that are attracted to guys with confidence in themselves, MUCH more than the cute or handsome wimps who don’t ever have an idea in their head! It used to be noticed that “Women are greatly attracted to men in uniform!” BULL! Women are attracted to men with CONFIDENCE in their ability to master any situation in which they find themselves!!! And ANY graduate of Parris Island HAS that!! And I don’t give a hoot whether they’re handsome or not! Women WILL recognise that confidence and treat the guy with respect as they KNOW they’re safe with them, unless the guy’s a nut!! And with our Genes, that’s a survival trait!
June 20th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
he is trying to say something else but labeled it wrong and tried to say this applies to everyone. not true, plenty of happy hot couples out there. the thing he is trying to say is that usually the less good looking guys are ones that are very nice. and many hot women get tired of dealing with a**holes so they start to appriciate less good looking guys because they can see those good qualities. now i dare you say i am wrong because i am never wrong. ( and remember , there are always exeptions, not everything applies to everyone)
July 1st, 2008 at 12:16 am
I would rather be with a less good looking man because then I don’t feel like I have to be so perfect myself. I have dated both a very good looking man and a less good looking man, I feel more like myself with a less good looking man. Why be with a very good looking man if you can’t be yourself?????????