6 January 2011
Online Dating: five essential rules
by eHarmony
Dating someone new can be tricky. How can you judge their intentions when you’ve only just met? How can you be sure you won’t get hurt? While you can never be absolutely certain, there are some things that can help you navigate the dating roadmap.
While there’s no handbook to dating, there are certain rules that are vital for success. Ignore these at your own peril…
Rule 1: follow your instincts
If someone sets off your internal alarm bells, pay attention to these and act accordingly. Look for signs of inconsistency. If you’ve met someone while dating online and they are a completely different person on the phone or in the flesh, it may signal that that they haven’t been genuine and you should end communication. But be aware that people can be nervous. Your gut could also be right if it tells you to give someone a second chance. Never stifle your instincts.
Rule 2: watch out for relationship patterns
Take heed of lessons learnt from previous relationships. If you find yourself being drawn to a particular type of person time and again, consider whether this is good for you. Don’t make the same mistakes twice.
Rule 3: see through the charm
Be aware of smooth talkers. Charm is a good thing if it’s sincere, so watch out for those whose actions speak louder than their words. If someone is attentive and chivalrous to you but treats a waiter or barman badly, think twice. Similarly, if someone tells you they’re looking for a long-term relationship but their wandering eye tells you otherwise, you should run. Screening people like this will save you valuable dating time.
Rule 4: be honest
“Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” might be a familiar saying, but honesty is the key to a successful relationship. Be straight with people and you’ll encourage them to be the same with you. Call when you say you will and always stick to your word. If you don’t want to see someone again, sensitively tell them so. If both of you are honest with each other you will always know where you stand.
Rule 5: know when to make an exit
Just as you shouldn’t string someone along, make sure you avoid getting played. Like it or not, many people see dating as a game. Question their motives and watch out for tactics like your date trying to catch you off guard. Again, your instincts should tell you whether some is genuine or not. If they arouse your suspicions, make a quick exit.
1
daniel
20 October 2011 08:19
great stuff good positive points to abide by i belive
2
Jacqui
5 November 2011 14:31
All very good and valid rules to stick to while dating. Some I have not really thought about before. Thanks, very helpful indeed! I will be using these rules from now on
3
Jannette Naiken
7 November 2011 11:53
All well said. Will take note and abide by the rules as this way we won’t get hurt. All too often we are disappointed by the facades of people who don’t really know themselves and impose this onto others without truly trying to sort themselves out first. Baggage is something to be left behind and start afresh if not then go out and get counselling before attempting a new relationship.
4
Ying Ying
23 November 2011 13:09
Can’t disagree anymore with Jannette comment. Don’t start a new relationship if you are not ready for it ’cause you will only hurt other people.
All very good advices and we all should try to stick with it.
5
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6
Gabby
17 April 2012 00:25
I think these rules are very good to listen to. As Jacqui said, not things I would have generally though about so its good to remember these when going out with someone.
7
Veronica
12 August 2012 22:08
I agree with the five rules and always advocate following your intuition more than instinct. What has surprised me lately is the number of guys I work with (I work in a male-dominated industry) who truly believe the credo, ‘Treat them mean, keep them keen.’ These are guys who range in age from young 20s to retirement, and believe this expression is the only way to get a woman. They would dump a woman asap for following this same credo but cannot see the hypocrisy in them following it as their no 1 dating golden rule. Scary!
8
Katrina
20 May 2013 20:21
I guess the thing is, it’s one thing to “play it cool” in not letting the other person know everything you’re thinking/feeling right away, just as you’d play it cool if you’re a salesperson trying to sell a product, (no matter how genuinely you believe in the value of the product yourself and in how much it would benefit your prospect), but it’s another thing to actually be discourteous. You don’t have to be rude in order to be recognised as a strong independent person, if that’s who you are. Perhaps also the people who are attracted to “mean-ness” are people you wouldn’t want to spend your life with anyway! Also, a lot of dating experts advise people to lie, i.e. refuse dates by saying you’ve got something else on when you haven’t, in order to not be too “available” (especially if it’s a last-minute date). I personally wouldn’t play that game: IMO there’s nothing wrong with simply having a life and keeping yourself busy, and if you happen to be free on the day/night that someone suggests getting together, then that’s great! If you feel you might be too “available” to be attractive to new dating partners, then that’s easily remedied by simply filling up your time more, or, if you’re not yet in an exclusive relationship, finding other people to date as well so that you’ll occasionally have a prior commitment! Fair enough though to say to women not to accept booty calls (unless that happens to be what they are into, which is fine if they are, just that a lot of women end up being booty call material when what they want is a relationship…. and I’m sure nowadays the same applies for plenty of men, despite the popular stereotype that women want commitment and romance and men don’t!) Also one good piece of advice that some dating gurus give is that sticking up for yourself makes you more attractive: let the other person know in no uncertain terms that you don’t accept rudeness or “flakiness”.