Relationship Advice

Laying these standards up against the only date I’ve been on in the 1 year since I separated from my wife, I’d say “spot on”. Advice for the man always includes “be honest” and “be yourself”, which is fair — but it tends to lead to the girl perhaps deciding if she can “fix” him, or tell him to get away; but not “isn’t that sweet!”.

Dito 4 women!! Why do all these articles always say “what turns a guy off”? Why doesn’t it just say “what turns people off”? As a women, I can say the same things make me less attracted to a man! How about a few more articles pushing men to be the ones to take responsibility in a relationship, rather than just the women? This article implies that if the relationship succeeds or fails it is the womans fault, what about what the man does?!

Its never greener on the other side, you just have to see and appreciate what you have and enjoy it. If you’re always looking for something better you may miss an opportunity for a wonderful friendship that staring you right in the face.

Wow, after my first time cyber dating since seperating, I experienced the first three with my ‘date’. Now I agree it’s been a while since I dated, but this guy frustrated the hell out of me! Insisting that I call him, only to be shut off seconds later because of some other emergency. Communication was poor. So yep I committed number 5 the ultimatum. What else is a girl to do?

I like this article, however I think there is a major turnoff that has gone unmentioned. The “double standards rule”. This little piece of dating folk law has gone the way of tipping in the USA. While it is not legally binding, be prepared for no service if you don’t do it. In my dating life I admit that I have fostered this way of life. But now I am single, I am 30, and a lot of my friends are either married or in committed relationships; so I am able to watch court side the goings on within the relationship paradigm. An early example, my friend and I go out to a casino for some blackjack, when leave his house, his wife asks, where are you going, who with, are you drinking and then he is told to be home by 11pm. at 10:30 the phone rings and it is his wife calling to remind him to be home at 11. At 11:15 we arrive home and he gets an earful from his wife for being late. The next weekend, I am around at his house to watch the kids while his wife has a night out, he poses the same questions, where are you going, who with and then adds what time will you be home, to this she reply’s, “out” “the girls” and “whenever” she gets home at 3am, rolling drunk, and the next day asks why she was so late. To this he cops another earful about how she never goes out, never has any fun, he never does anything for her and when she does go out, he gives her the third degree. This is a small example, but there are hundreds of them out there, every male knows the double standards that he has to put up with, and every female knows the double standards she expects. I say enough is enough, communicate, express your concerns, or you will be old, lonely and bitter, like my uncle……. Love like there is no tomorrow.

Ted- your friend sounds like he’s in dysfunctional relationship, i.e. lacking honest, respectful and open communication.
I think all these points are relevant in any relationship and I agree with the point made by Jazz; the points made apply to guys in a relationship as much as it does to girls. Relationships are all about reciprocity.

I think this article was just meant as a guide for faux pars (Spelling??) I don’t think it was a battle of the genders, equality thing at all. It’s pretty simlpe I reckon – know who you are, be comfortable with yourself, know what treatment/behaviour from others you accept for yourself. Red light Green light and don’t whine to others for situations YOU make from YOUR decisions

Can we hear more advice for men about what women want and how to please her. Your articles can be helpful but there is an apparent bias shown again where women are expected to take the responsibility rather than men and more equally both parties to adapt their behave or thinking in a particular way so as to attract ,please or keep their potential partner interested. Men are from Mars ,Women are from Venus is the best example of a progressive and non sexist approach to relationship advice. We are living in the 21st Century not the 50’s after all and equality is a right that women fought hard and long for and as one wise and worldly fello once said to me on the purchase of the before mentioned publication that “it was a shame that more men didn’t read the book as they’re the ones who could really do with it”. Your site should be promoting an unbias approach to who makes a romance work, because we all know it takes two !
So come on Eharmony things have changed and you can be at the forefront of educating men on the needs of women and what they find attractive in a prospective partner! Ps Christian Carter could do with a partner to publish a female’s version of this genre of advice column, “What turns Women Off, What Women Want and What you need to know to keep Her Interested ”

I also noticed that most of the literature is aimed at women, and what they can do to please men. This isn’t just on eharmony, but everywhere else too. It is funny that a common criticism of the women is that they are ‘trying too hard’ and caring too much about someone. Well, at least they are putting in the effort! there need to be articles that let men know where they are going wrong in relationships too! As beautiful, intelligent women, myself or my sisters (and some of my gorgeous friends who have turned gay!) could easily write a list of ‘top turn offs for women’ in men. I have known very well, for a long time, what most men like/want in a relationship,and they tend to be very attracted to me, but I think a lot of it is unrealistic (actually the article on ‘phsysical attraction’ is a good read for many men, since statistics show that the number 1 most important thing in a female partner for men is looks. If you read the article, you will see what I mean)and unfair, and a big turn-off for me. Perhaps these men, who seem to like me so much, need to find out how to make me happy and remain interested in them? Another reason I think it is important that men get some helpful info is that actually men generally cope less well when not in a intimate relationship. ie. much higher rate of suicide + most common reason is depression related to not having a partner/kids. Single women cope better, usually having a strong network of friends. In fact, the incidence of clinical depression & anxiety in single women is lower than in non-singles. The opposite is true for men. Do these stats set off alarm bells for some men? ie. women are, on average, happier being single, and the incidence of women remaing single, or having or rearing children alone (ps. I don’t have any objection to a woman deciding to get pregnant when she has given 5 or 10 years of her life to a guy who refuses to commit or agree to having children with her. Which behaviour is worse, really?), is on the rise. What if the trend continues and most women end up deciding they are better off on their own? I, being a romantic, personally think this would be sad, and I think both men and women need to make some changes/put in the effort to prevent this happening.

HI Sally …
you might just have to tell him !!!

Reading this article I experienced all the above. This guy always complained about not having enough money. I always had to pay for everything and got a bit tired of it. And the grass is never greener on the other side, when you vertilise it, is the same thing!!! Just hate time waster and mind games men!! That’s a turn off!! And those men who are looking for a beauty queen, now at least I know how to communicate and cook a decent meal!!

Very interesting from my eyes just reading what personality glinches we all seem to have. All tryihng tp protect our feeling at all cost. We are all unique in our own little way but once you take the time to find out about yourself and what makes you, I have found that I can pick if I will be compatable with a gentleman or not fairly quickly. One major factor which few are aware of is birth sequencing and how this plays an enormus role in whom we are attracted to and will find compatible. That’s the first thing I find out. That way you know if a man has an older brother as this will make him a person who loves sport and loves being with the boys and has to be taught to show women respect. So rather than looking at their faults girls you learn to distinguish straight away what in born qualities they have and can not change and if you will be happy with that or not.And men women who are born first will be home makers and wish to get married and have children and be family orientated they can not help it. But if born second after a girl they will be slightly cat like and have claws which scratch.
One tip ladies!!!!! Men don’t like to be talked over top of they wish to be heard just like us. So sometimes we need to just be quiet long enough to let them talk. I hope this helps just a little
regards

Ali, your comment is spot on, well done.

I am sick of reading articles like this where it is always the Women’s fault. If we are not happy with something in the relationship why should we keep silent and put up with it. As soon as we are born we start dying, so why should we put up with being unhappy? If we as Women speak our opinion and the guy doesn’t respect us enough to listen, then he is obviously not the right one for us and we know to move on. Why is it seen that as Women if we speak up, we are seen as the worst people in the world? This goes for Christian Carter. I do not think I can handle reading another one of his articles. I think he needs a reality check. Everyone are individuals. If we were all the same and handled conflict the same then the world would be a boring place. Understand that it is both parties and NOT always the Womens fault!!!! Please wake up to yourself Eharmony and stop being so bias.

Dear Jo,

From one woman to another, I can see where you are coming from and that you are clearly frustrated.

If you care to google, you’ll find tonnes of stuff from a woman’s perspective as well. This just happens to be some turn offs from the guys’ viewpoint. I’d take it with a pinch of salt. The points mentioned above are also applicable to guys as well. And let’s not forget that men are people with feelings too with likes and dislikes, just like us. If I were a guy, and a girl did the above, I wouldn’t like it either. At the same time, as a woman, if a guy did these things, then I’d be put off.

I think this article was written for those women who I would classify as ‘hardcore Princesses’ who want it all but can’t be bothered giving back, those women who like the idea of ‘controlling’ their men.

A great relationship shouldn’t be about this at all..it should be about a healthy balance of masculine and feminine energy in its truest sense. (Sadly in this day and age, this is grossly misunderstood and it’s destroying a lot of relationships). This has nothing to do with women being weak or inferior. (if you look at point no.2, words like ‘all the work’ and ‘always’ etc are used..) Think about it…no one (man or woman) wants to do this ‘ALL’ the time…if you were a guy..would you be prepared to put in all the work all the time and settle for not much in return?..I don’t expect any one gender to do all the work…relationships are a meant to be a great partnership after all. It’s giving and accepting in return.
It’s not a one way street for the girl..or the guy..

With Love and respect

really John,
All that garbage that has just come out of your mouth, are you speaking from personal experience. I have never met a woman like that to date. Where have you been hanging out?. Most women i know are educated, self respecting and law abiding citizens. And no they dont live like trailer trash, YOUR WORDS. We are all different and have been raised in different circumstances. We all have choices. If you dont like what you see, move on. BUT, rubishing another person for how they live, not nice. Not everyone has had the privelidge or opportunity to be raised in great circumstances. Apply a bit of maturity and wisdom here.

Re Scott’s comment. I think the main concern that the ladies have is that there are many, many more articles on what women are doing wrong than on what men could be doing. Also, I personally find the title ‘top turnoffs’ quite derogatory. The equivalent article (only recently put on site, after many women complained)is titled ‘things that women want in a relationship’, which is a lot less offensive.

I have left a relationship, and still hurting. My partner had in her mind the ideal relationhip with the ideal man. The efforts to change me to fit that ideal were great and I was so overwhelmed. I raised this and was told I was fighting the change all the way. Yes,i was. I was the same guy she met and fell in love with. Why this moulding process? All to do with past relationships; rather than love me as I am, the past dictated. She is now in another relationship doing the same … The new guys thinks he’s the luckiest guy alive right now but he is targeted for change! I am saddened but my silent screams made me realize the relationship fit was wrong. Still, I feel the loss of the dreams we we’d planned to share, but the resentment that was built towards me made this lovely lady say I was second best … To an ideal! I have insight into this behaviour from her girlfriend as to why this existed, but she is at that pre contemplative stage, and stuck there. So, I left. It was not apparent when we met, or I missed it. It has been terrible, and I wonder how does one identify underlying damaging for a relationship.

I was thinking of signing-up to eharmony. After reading the blogs I am wondering if I would be better off alone. Not only does it sound like a lot of hard work these days to meet a man and enjoy a relationship but it sounds very stressful.How do I know how to behave anymore – what is acceptable and what is not these days? How much grief am I letting myself in for because I don’t know the rules anymore?

Likes and dislikes between men and women have gone on since Man/Woman evolved – why the dramas now. You either like or dislike a potential partner – most can tell in the first meeting. Just don’t meet again if you don’t like or have doubt.Stop complaining if your date is not right. Move on. Doesn’t that rule apply anymore?

As for a man pursuing the woman – well guys – Does the peahen not wait to be lured by the peacock still? Demonstrating your interst and pursing is the way to win a lady, so I thought, anyway. It shows you care and shows your level of interest.Just as opening car doors demonstrates respect. Appropriately complimenting means you noticed. A box of chocolates and roses means you are sensual. Allowing the lady to walk before you through a doorway, for example, is the same as opening a car door. Dressing well means you have self respect and pride and the same for your date and says you expect the same of the lady(respect and pride for herself and you). Taking the lady out to respectable places for a meal and a show says you feel the women is worth your time and spending the money. All old fashioned, but still highly regarded by the women of all ages I speak with anyway. Once when men and women seemed to come together with a degree of understanding – few went on being lonely or alone. Social mores have changed but I don’t think people’s feelings, needs and desires have.A man once had his lady’s undying undying respect and love if the man treated her well and while she may not always buy the coffee or call the man every other time at first, there are other benefits to securing the lady as a partner, such as caring for her man, doing for him, sharing with him all that came with being in a relationship – including the hard times and a shoulder for her man when he is hurting, frustrated, tired or just in need of mothering sometimes. Of course, it worked the other way too, and the man was the protector and the strong shoulder. She would be her man’s everything if he want her to be. A woman needs to know that she is the centre of her man’s Universe when first courting/dating – the man would be the centre of hers there after (providing he went on showing that she is special to him). How hard is that? What has changed? Women are still women and men are still men, aren’t they? Women will tell their a man that he looks great and tell him about the things they like about him when they feel that the man is for them. Not only that but a man’s partner will do her best to ensure that he goes on looking good; supports the man in his endevours endevours and she will compliment her man by looking good for him and being a part of whatever he does in his life (if it is not over-the-top activity and so forth).So asking her first is the polite and respectful thing to do. She may not say she has concerns about, for example, an activity the man participates in for fear of upsetting her man – so by the man asking shows he respects her feelings about what it is he does. On the other hand, if the woman expresses concern, the man may feel the woman is a nag, or will try to change him from liking that activity and so forth. It takes a modecom of maturity for the couple and communication.
Communication: Doesn’t it still apply that if you don’t know then ask – to assume is arragant and selfish. Think about how you would feel in the other person’s shoes; call if you are going to be late; and all the other common courtesies of being thoughtful about someone else as well as yourself.
As for being a women well,I hold old fashion views again: holding a conversation without swearing or being crude is not that hard and use not to come naturally; dressing appropriately and without showing too much torso skin (breasts, buttocks and abdomen) was a sign of self respect and respect for people around you, besides it doesn’t leave much to the imaginagion and earns disrespect. Being polite and respectful used to show a level of common decency, for example if a man asked a lady on a dinner date and pays for the meal he would not expect to get any more than a kiss and a cuddle afterwards (‘thoug he might), but he would expect a ‘thank you’and to know if the lady liked him enough to meet him again.That is not too much to ask and is communicating the lady has some positive feeling for him and compliments him for pleasing the lady.

It seems I must be a dinosaur. I expect too much from a man so it would seem from the blogs. I am too afraid now that I might do something wrong on a date by expecting a man to pay for the coffee or hold the door open for me. Will I wait by the phone to hear from him or do I call him (once thought ‘pushy’), etc.I fear dating sites are not for me.No doubt if there are comments to this, they will reflect what I believe. I would love to be proven wrong.

Spot on Judy! After reading the articles followed by the above comments, I realise that the more comments made, the least pertinence they have to the article. The comments have taken on a life of their own.
As a man I thought the article was spot on in terms of describing the things that turn men off. Did the article help me? No, because I am not looking for a MAN. I am looking for a lady, so indeed, I too would like to see a similar article written for men about what turns woman off. Not, as some as suggested, a politically correct version that says “him or her” in every line. How could that be possible when men and woman are so diverse in their thinking in the area of love. For example, a woman (I am told) responds to subleties in conversation, while a man is almost incapable of detecting subtleties and sometimes needs to be asked directly (aka, bad hygiene). So, lighten up ladies, the article has been written to help you understand what turns men off, use the information to your benefit – dont attack the author. And, by all means, push for a similar article about what turns a woman off – I’m looking for it because I am the first to admit that don’t understand women!

I see so many comment above. “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”.. Too bad the owner didn’t mow it and it’s full of snakes and all kind of things. Might look pretty and green, but it’s just an act.

Hi Suzy

thanks for your considered feedback, we love receiving suggestions like this from our users. We will definitely pass this on to our website team.

Best wishes

The eH team xx

I dont know if I agree totally with this statement. It appears to me that for a man in his 30s the biggest turnoff in online dating is if the woman in her 30s has children. When I am honest about having children you can literally see the man run. “You are really nice but I dont want your kids”is the standard comment. Give me a break I am a widow, nice and responsible and I had a life before being single again.

Even when the two of you are perfect, when you can comfortably walk around naked together, have the same food likes, both love motorcycles,have good sex, and really share everything, he can still be too old and been through the “ex” mill of life that she has taken him to the cleaners, and now he never wants to become a set at all, preferring to have a beck and call girl, who lives over there and he lives over here…..since when is that a good relationship? It’s not all roses ladies….some of you girls have screwed it up for the good honest ones…

The ultimate turn-off for me was to hear nothing but how fortunate the date was to have travelled overseas. In the end I learnt to not bother to get in contact with anyone who showed photos of overseas travel and/or mentioned it in their write-up.

these are my biggest turn offs by far, A woman can be drop dead gorgeous but if she has to many of these qualities then not being mean or anything the relationship won’t last. To many women will refuse to talk about any problems that arise at the time but you can bet your ass they’ll mention them during the next fight. In saying that there are some men that can be the same.

In all honesty, reading these articles it is clear most men want a Beauty Queen and most women a Prince Charming. News is most of everyone on here is not going to find the one of your dreams otherwise you would not be on this site, right? Number one turn off for me as a more mature person, is going on a date and the lady goes on about her ex and her kids. Yes, the worst, I could watch Jerry Springer and save a lot of time and money plus sanity. Ladies, no one really wants to know about your issues on the first date, so keep it to yourselves until later maybe?

Eharmony, could you please remove comment 49 by kd. It is thoroughly offensive and we shouldn’t have to read things like this.
Thanks

Frankly I come from another culture aka the States and from what I have seen the men in Australia need a wake up call on behaviour. I do not think it is the women who need the advice on how to act when online dating other than to not sell themselves short as it seems like this behaviour is rampant as the men get away with being mediocre! Some are great sorts, but most give them a bad name!

Yes, I am woman….but I couldn’t agree more in regards to John’s comments.
I’m sorry but I do believe that if a woman wants to be treated like a lady then she needs to behave like one.
There is something to be said for those old fashioned values.
I also believe in equality.
It feels nice to ask the man in your life out to dinner or to a function, lavishing the attention onto him rather than just being on the receiving end.
Finding that serenity and contentment within yourself and being ‘emotionally available’ prior to dating makes this experience so much nicer.

as a newby I find the articles are fascinating reading.

8/10

EHarmony

As a lady I appreciate this advice. I have been guilty of both do and don’t items in this and other advice pages.

I take in and learn what you are saying, rather than feel offence. Im not perfect because I am still single. To me, the more posted about what either sex is possibly not handling should only support in finding the right match.

Thanks for all the tips.