4 May 2011
A simple shift that makes you instantly more attractive
by Rori Raye
If you’re spending a lot of time and energy thinking about a guy, you might be alarmed to hear that it makes you less attractive...even if he doesn’t even know you’re thinking about him! Here, Rori Raye shares a simple Tool that shifts you out of over-thinking and makes HIM start thinking about you.
By Rori Raye, author of best-selling eBook Have The Relationship You Want and free newsletter
If you’re at all like me, a predictable thing happens to you when you start dating a new man you like. At first, you’re all excited, there’s a spring in your step, and you feel all aglow. People ask you what you’ve done differently.
But then, as you get to know him and become even more interested and invested in him, something else happens. You start to think about him all the time, you begin to worry that you might mess things up, and you’re constantly wondering what he’s thinking about you. You talk about him with all of your friends, dissecting his every move. But there’s no harm in it, because he knows nothing about this – right? Wrong.
Over-thinking changes your vibe
When you think about a man too much, several things happen. Emotionally, you become drained from all the analyzing. You have less energy for the other things in your life – the passions and people that made you the person he was attracted to in the first place.
At the same time, your self-esteem goes down. Why? Because you start hanging your self worth on whether or not things will work out with this one guy. You go from the carefree, spirited woman you are to a fearful, worrying creature. And it shows. Believe it or not, a man can sense when you’re doing all this internal acrobatics about him. Your thoughts affect your feelings and your mood.
But telling yourself to stop thinking about him isn’t so easy. You need a two-pronged approach: a way to stop yourself from focusing all your attention on one man too soon…and a Tool to boost your self-esteem so that you’re being your most attractive you.
Whatever you do, don’t stop dating
Once you’ve found a man you think is a potential keeper, it’s tempting to clear out your calendar for him and not even consider other dates. But this is exactly what makes you become fearful and worried about whether he’s going to call and what’s going to happen next. Result: you can’t stop thinking about him, and he’ll pick up on the fact that you’re hinging on his every move.
That’s why you absolutely need to keep connecting with other men and going out on dates with them. When you do, you’re immediately taking the pressure off both you and the guys you’re seeing. It will stop you from over-thinking about any one man, which means you won’t have that clingy, fearful, unattractive vibe I talked about before. The fact that you’re on eHarmony means you have a fantastic Tool at your disposal to keep yourself from prematurely cutting off your options. Use it!
Think of yourself as the prize
Often, and especially when we meet a man we think could really be “it,” something inside us immediately starts to sabotage it. It’s what I like to call the “nasty voice,” and I’m sure you’re familiar with it – it’s that negative-thinking part of you that says you aren’t good enough to have all the love you deserve from a truly wonderful man.
Well, you do. And since I like visual Tools, I want you to think of your favorite dish. Let’s say it’s chocolate cheesecake. Think of everything you love about chocolate cheesecake and what makes it so wonderful. Who wouldn’t want a piece of that? Same goes for you. Now, whenever you are feeling overcome by feelings of inadequacy, I want you to immediately think of that dessert and say to yourself, “I am the chocolate cheesecake!”
I know this sounds silly, but believe me – it works. It’s so silly, that it will instantly lighten your mood and hence your vibe, so that you really do loosen up and become instantly more attractive. It’s similar to what happens when you’re walking down the street and you’re remembering that great kiss you had with your guy. Instantly, a smile washes over your face and people want to know: “What did you do differently?”
There are specific things you can do to raise your self-esteem that will make you irresistible to a man. To learn more. subscribe to Rori’s free relationship advice e-newsletter. You’ll discover a whole new way of relating to men that will make you feel better about yourself while you find the relationship of your dreams.
1
Larry
20 May 2011 07:08
I disagree with most of what this article says. I can tell you for a fact that If I was dating a girl, and if after a few dates found that she was dating other people. I would stop contact with her immediately.
2
Mich
24 May 2011 10:24
Wow, this advice is stupid.
Date other men to keep yourself from over emotionalizing and think of yourself as chocolate cake?
What qualifications do you actually need to be a ‘relationship expert’ these days Miss Rori?
3
Sue
24 May 2011 12:02
This article is utter rubbish!!
So its ok to go out with numerous partners ? I don’t think so.
4
Dean
28 May 2011 07:18
I totally agree with the above 3 responses. Eharmony has a vested interest in keeping as many people on here for as long as possible, so obviously they are going to recommend dating multiple people. If I found out that the woman I was dating was secretly dating other men, I would run a mile. Eharmony has a serious conflict of interest in providing dating advice, and their advice should be taken with this in mind.
5
Dean
30 May 2011 11:41
why didnt you publish my comment? Are you scared of criticism? Where is the transparency here?
6
vik
1 June 2011 10:55
Not a fan of this theory like yeah girls and guys shouldn’t obsess over one person but to date many people? What happens to the other guys when you become an official couple, bit slack
7
Ces
6 June 2011 05:45
You guys don’t get it! Its called dating for a reason, Thats when you go on actual ‘dates’ once a week or so to get to know each other slowly over a period of time. Just because you go on a date or two or 3 with the same person it does not mean you are a couple & can’t date other people.
Thats part of the reason there is so much divorce etc because people jump into “instant” relationships with too much to soon and after the initial glow wears off in around 6 to 12 months you realise you are not really compatible or they are not the person you thought they were at the start when you had your rose coloured glasses on.
Do you want to have lots of 12 mth long relationships with different people one after the other or do you want to find someone you are really compatible with and can build a future together? I would rather spend 12 months dating different people to find the one I would hopefully spend the rest of my life with, rather than pick the wrong partner time & time again.
Deciding to become an exclusive couple is something that should be talked about after you have dated for some time & really know each other & both feel you do not want to see other people.
Dating a few people at a time is actually quite common depending on where you live, and even here in Australia prior to the 70′s dating different people was how it was done usually, you dated until you found the one that you were most compatible with. Dating does not mean jumping into bed with each person you are seeing either & there should not be any reason to lie about anything. And where is the rule that you are supposed to date 1 person only?
Since this is a dating site I would automatically assume that anyone I have contact with here would be getting to know other people at the same time, its not rocket science. I think anyone here that would not like someone they are ‘getting to know’ dating other people should say so clearly on their profile to let any potential partners know & to possibly save yourself from some heartbrake.
If anyone I dated assumed that I was ‘theirs’ after a couple of dates I would run a mile as it would tell me that they are either desperate for any partner at all or they have control/jealousy issues.
8
Luckyinlove
12 June 2011 15:20
I totally agree with Ces! I think the guys earlier on have totally misunderstood the concept of dating! **Firstly, the very fact that people are on a dating website means that they will be checking out other profiles!
**Secondly, guys generally don’t like it when a girl gets serious about them too soon. They tend to freak out and run a mile!
**Thirdly, most guys (worth their salt) like to do the pursuing and feel a little intimidated if the girl ‘chases’ them.
**Lastly, if guys are allowed to be freely see other girls then why shouldn’t the girls be allowed to date other guys?
Don’t get me wrong. Once you BOTH agree to become exclusive and just focus on each other, this is a different story! In this case you both would talk about what you would like to do, ie both get off the dating website and ‘stop looking’ for other partners (including pretending to be ‘friends’ on Facebook and trying to ‘build relationships’ on the side via social media tools and just be committed to each other, Period. This is when you are officially ‘an item’!
A guy (or a girl for that matter), who expects to get off a dating site and be exclusive to him or her just after a few dates has some insecurity issues!! (An exception would be if both parties agreed and they both hit it off straight away and both feel that they are not interested in anyone else.
The key thing in all of this HONEST & OPEN COMMUNICATION with your dates. (and often, you can tell what they’re really like (their true colours) just from this!!
9
Kerry
13 June 2011 02:20
Ces your comments are very valid, eHarmony is a dating site that provides services to allow for people to have a greater opportunity to meet the someone who is right for them. If you dont date you will not find that person.
My profile specifically notes I am not in a hurry – this probably puts men off, but I want to date, get to know someone, become friends before forming a relationship. You cant get to know someone after a couple of dates. If I have another relationship I would like it to last for some time. I am happy to take my time.
10
Mim
13 June 2011 19:44
A great article. Ces, I was going to reply to those other comments, but after reading yours I don’t need to! You took the words right out of my mouth.
Yes, dating is something many people don’t seem to understand the concept of. I have learnt the hard way. Years of shortlived relationships with many nice guys who were totally innapropriate for me. Waste of time, or maybe I’m a slow learner but I get it now. You can tell a lot about a person’s self esteem by their dating habits. We too often rely on that “feeling” of love, when in fact that is only a minor indication of compatability. It may sound hardnosed to some, but look at how we make decisions re: buying a house, a career move, buying clothes. Most good ones are based on research, analysis, focussed on outcomes for yourself. We all fallen in love with that sweet little house that is sooo cute and imagined our life there. But would we realistically buy it? Or found a great job, maybe been lured in by the perks only to be disappointed with the reality of the everyday gring. How many times (girls, or maybe guys) have you bought some great gottahave dress and it ends up sitting in the cupboard unworn. Try before you buy. And jumping into bed confuses the heart. Lust and love are not the same thing
11
Carmel
17 June 2011 02:43
I have to disagree about continuing to date other men even after a few dates!
Why is it so wrong to give the one man your attention, after two or three dates one would hope that you would know if a relationship is worth pursuing!
12
liz
18 June 2011 00:31
When you meet online and go for a coffee to see how things will go,that wouldnt stop you from having another coffee with someone else you may have been chatting to at the same time would it… You justify it with its only coffee,right.
Well dating is just the same,no expectations just have fun and enjoy.
Although i believe if you cant do the dating with others all in the same time frame,just keep chatting online.
I think there is an old belief of cheating or overstepping the mark,but its dating and if the other person is doing dates and your not,you will sit and crack it,lowering your self esteem as pointed out above.
Remember we dont own anyone,and if someone thinks they do…..run
13
ingi
21 June 2011 09:28
You go girl, where does it say we cant date several men at one time. , And where does it say that we cant make our own choices in relationships to connecting to people. We are all adults here, Until there is a full commitment or a wedding ring on a persons finger, why the total fear about a bit of freedom. This insecurity in people just breeds negativity and confusion. Just relax let things happen and good things will come your way.. Nobody owns anyone, There really is never any ownership.. Your there in the moment, be it a minute or a life time.
14
Lara
27 August 2011 15:57
I get swept away and find myself on cloud nine when I’m with someone new, I can’t think of anything else. I agree with what is written here..except maybe for dating other people but I definitely will try the chocolate cheescake thing.
15
Mike
5 May 2012 05:58
Think what u like but the biggest turn off to me,is if a lady I’m getting to know,is spending time with other men , after having girl friends hooked on being with different men at the same time,I’m old school thinker, one at are time, it’s called respect, teenage years it’s light hearted growing up thing, adult years more is expected until u decide one way or the other, too much American tv influence , I think,just don’t get to deep to quick
16
iamwitharticlewriter
17 June 2012 03:50
i have to say i used to be of the mindset that you put all your eggs in one basket and either it’s ‘all or nothing’. the thing is…i have learned that, unless you have a firm tangible commitment and a ring on your finger and scads of tangible memories made with a person (& if you have kids from another relationship), your kids have good memories made with this person & you are making firm plans for the present and the future with tangible results driven by BOTH parties…DO NOT put all your eggs in one basket. Dating does not infer sleeping around. Dating is dating which is a discovery period to get to know people and further firm up your own likes & dislikes, must haves and can live without & those all important boundaries that need to be present no matter who you end up committing to. Dating doesn’t mean make out and get in bed. For those afraid to date someone who is dating others – have you made a firm mutual commitment to this person? Did you put a ring on their finger and make tangible future plans? Have you met and taken their kids out if they have any? Have you become a part of their daily lives in a tangible necessary way? If not – how dare you expect them to drop it all on the off chance you are the one….that is utterly selfish!
17
Margery
11 June 2013 06:38
There seems to be a dichotomy of views here along male/female lines, with a male inference that “dating” implies “sleeping with”. As the ladies have expressed above, going for a coffee to met someone in person and get a better idea of whether the relationship is worth pursuing is not the same thing AT ALL as committing to a mutually exclusive relationship.
Surely it’s a better idea to meet in person to make a decision as to whether or not to take the relationship to the next level (mutual exclusiveness) rather than stringing someone along for months?