Getting married should be one of the happiest days of your life but the big day isn’t the end of the story. There is a world of difference between planning a wedding and preparing for a marriage. In the excitement of falling in love it’s possible to forget to ask, how well do I know this person?

Communication

How well do you communicate with each other? Good communication is an essential component in a healthy marriage. This isn’t just a matter of how much you talk, it also involves how much you listen and how in tune you are with each other’s feelings and needs.

Inevitably there will be times in your marriage when things are difficult or tempers flare. Even the rosiest of romances can become a minefield if the way you or your partner expresses anger or stress is unacceptable or unhealthy. Although no-one enjoys arguing, if you have overcome some problems and negotiated compromises before you get married you will be in a stronger position than if you have never had an argument.

Good communication also extends to your vision of your future together as a married couple. You may think you’re on the same page with regards to the bigger picture but it’s important that you talk about individual hopes and dreams as well as your shared aspirations.

Acceptance

Do you love and accept the person you are going to marry as they are today? Or are you hoping they will change once they are married and come round to your way of thinking?

It’s not unusual for people to believe that marriage will cure problems in a relationship or encourage someone to become more responsible. What if it doesn’t? You can’t marry someone based on a vision of how you think they could be in the future – you have to marry them as they are now and accept that they may not change.

Support

One of the best things about being married is having a partner – someone who is on your side and pulling in the same direction as you. Is your partner your number one fan? Are they the person who really sees and knows you and appreciates you more than anyone else?

To consider marrying someone you should feel that they care enough to listen to what you think and feel and give you support when you need it.

In a healthy marriage the scales can tip both ways with each person sometimes being the one getting support and sometimes being the one giving it. If it’s all one way there will be an imbalance and the marriage will struggle if the stronger of the two gets into difficulties.

Trust

Do you trust the person you are going to marry? Trusting someone is more than just believing that they wouldn’t lie to you. Their openness and honesty about their past; their ability to sense when you are having a hard time; how good they are at fulfilling promises etc, will all affect how much your instincts tell you to trust and rely on someone. If you are going to marry someone this trust should be rock solid as it’s the foundation the marriage will be built upon.

Some people enter into a period of premarital counselling to help answer these and other questions. Asking yourselves these questions, and taking the time to really get to know your partner, their values, beliefs, character and integrity could save you from a lot of disappointment later on.

You wouldn’t buy a house without having a survey done so don’t try and build a marriage without solid foundations.

It is a real problem for many people. At one end of the spectrum you might have someone who is so afraid they won’t even go on a date. At the other there will be people who are in relationships but stuck and their reluctance to move forward is jeopardising it. Between the two extremes there’ll be many others who end perfectly good relationships because they are convinced that there’s something better around the corner. If you believe your fear of commitment is stopping you from having the life you want, try these simple steps to begin to overcome it.

1.      Admit that you have a problem

Before anything can change you need to admit, and accept, that the way you are now is not acceptable and you want to change it. This is not always easy to do. Look back over your life and see if you can find examples of times when fear of commitment has held you back, in your work, friendships and intimate relationships.

Perhaps you were afraid of taking a promotion, learning a new skill that would require many hours of practice or taking a trip with your friends. Maybe you end perfectly good relationships because you are scared that once a partner sees the real you they will reject you. It’s important you understand what it is you’re afraid of before you can find out why.

2.      Desire to change

Knowing that fear of commitment is a problem in your life is only useful if you have a sincere desire to change. This can be easier said than done. The fear might be so embedded that it’s quite painful to uncover the underlying reasons. You may not be able to do it on your own. Professional help from a relationship counsellor can be very useful in helping people understand the roots of their fears and develop new, and healthier, strategies.

3.      Uncover the reasons why

Unconscious fears only lose their power to dictate our lives when they become conscious. If you’re trying to do this on your own a simple and effective way is to write about it. ‘I am afraid of commitment because ….’ Write whatever comes to mind without thinking about it too much.

What comes up may surprise you. It could be something like ‘I’m afraid of commitment because I don’t want to lose my freedom’ which may lead onto something like ‘I’m afraid because I saw how my parents argued when my dad wanted to do things on his own.’

Whatever the underlying reasons, once they are revealed you will be in a better position to do something about them.

4.      Validate your feelings

One reason that fears get so deep is we try to pretend that they aren’t there or aren’t important. What we resist persists. It can be very empowering to acknowledge to your partner that even though you want to commit, you are afraid. This can deepen intimacy and allow the fears to be dispersed rather than repressed deeper where they can cause us to sabotage relationships without knowing why.

5.       Make, and keep, small commitments

The best way to overcome any fear is to take small steps. For example, if you’ve been single for years maybe go on a date. It doesn’t have to be any more than that.

If you are in a relationship where you have been holding back, try initiating smaller commitments like booking a holiday or talking about future plans. The important thing is to take it at your own pace and when your fears arise, instead of reacting to the anxiety become willing to go into it and explore what steps you can take to change.

Fear of commitment is often related to the fear of losing freedom. Can you really be free while fear is ruling your life, even if you never commit to anything?

Posting a profile online, or even paying a subscription, are signs that someone wants a relationship but not necessarily that they are ready for one. The difference is an important one when you are reviewing your matches. You want to choose people who are serious about finding a partner to avoid time wasters and people who bail at the last minute.

There are lots of reasons why someone might not be ready and the clues can often be found in their profile. What someone writes and what they actually feel can be quite different so here are some tips to help you read between the lines.

1. What kind of partner do they want

This is where it’s most obvious whether someone is ready for a relationship or not. Be wary of someone who describes their ideal partner in minute detail down to body type, hair colour, age etc – the chances are their expectations will be too rigid and no human will ever match their fantasy.

Also be cautious if someone lists lots of characteristics that they ‘don’t want’ e.g. selfishness, dishonesty, clinginess or high maintenance – this could mean that they are still smarting from a previous relationship where these things were big issues.

Ideally their description of a new partner should be open, flexible and their preferences not set in stone. They are open to meeting someone new as opposed to scared of making the same mistake again.

2.      Their description of themselves

If someone has low self esteem and doesn’t think much of themselves it will usually affect whether they are ready for a relationship. They may want one in the belief that they would feel better about themselves if they were in a couple. Initially this might be the case but over time their low self worth would resurface and affect the relationship. How is it possible to believe that someone else thinks you’re great if you don’t think you are?

Signs to look out for in a profile are self criticism, disparaging remarks and a lack of information about themselves – instead they write about their friends, work or hobbies rather than their personality and character. Look for people who seem to believe that they are someone worth getting to know – they are the ones who are ready for a relationship.

3.      Their lifestyle

In order for someone to have a relationship they need to have time and space in their life to devote to it. If their life is so busy that it takes them days to respond to an email or fix a date then they may struggle to fit in time to get to know you.

On the other hand if someone is online 24/7, or has very little going on, this could also mean that they aren’t ready but waiting for someone to come and give their life meaning and purpose. Ideally a profile will reveal a balanced life of someone who is happy with their own company but open to new experiences.

4.      Their past

Someone’s attitude to their past will reveal more about them than the actual events it contains.  To be ready for a relationship they need to believe in love and be willing to trust. Without this you will have to work very hard to break down their defences before you reach their heart. The words they use in their profile will often reveal whether this is the case. Be wary of someone who repeatedly mentions their ex, it could be a sign that that they are still hurt from the break up.

Profiles are only an introduction to someone; they are not the whole story.  Reading the clues it contains may help you decide who you want to get to know more but it is no substitute for getting to know matches in person. Trust your intuition and ask if you’re unsure whether someone is serious about having a relationship.

Dating later in life can pose some problems but there are many advantages too – for many people they are more confident and comfortable in their own skin than they were earlier in life and that’s only the start of it. Here we look at some other advantages.

Clear priorities

When people get older their priorities change. They are more likely to be looking for a life partner than someone to start a family with. Although some women do conceive when they’re over 40 and men can father children indefinitely, if people haven’t started a family by then, they’ll either be very clear that they want to do it soon or they’ll be planning a different kind of future for themselves.

Many people who are dating later in life will already have children from previous relationships and the priority for the new couples will be to bring their families together in a way in which everyone’s needs are met.

Body image

Youth and early adulthood is often dominated by self-consciousness and insecurity about our sexuality and bodies. By the time someone is in their 40s, although their bodies may be less forgiving and not as svelte as they used to be, they’ve usually learned to accept themselves more. Self care is often improved later in life as people realise they need to be more consciously aware of their health and fitness.

Lack of energy and confidence can seriously affect your motivation to find a new partner and move your life forward.  Eat a balanced diet, get enough sleep, drink plenty of water and exercise regularly. Within a short time you’ll feel energised and more confident about yourself. It takes 21 days to establish a new habit and the results will be worth it.

Sexuality

Women are meant to reach their sexual peak in their 40s probably because they’re no longer inhibited by the fear of an unwanted pregnancy. Whether male or female, sexuality is often much more clearly defined by the time you’re in your 40s. You know what you do, and are more likely to see sex as an expression of your feelings rather than as a primal urge to procreate. As such it often becomes more sensual and the connection developed can be very deep and lasting. You may not be as energetic, or athletic, as you were in your 20s but if your partner is a similar age the chances are they won’t be either.  The more you can accept your own limitations or imperfections the more you will be able to accept someone else.

Expectations

As we grow older our expectations of relationships usually become less rigid and more focussed on personal qualities and values rather than status or looks. This is because life teaches us that inner substance is more valuable than outer flashiness.

Later in life people are often more likely to be ready to settle down and make a commitment, because they know what they want. Financial and job prospects can play an important part in these life decisions and these often stabilise as we grow older.

People over 40 have had many life experiences and will have developed strategies for dealing with problems and challenging emotions – whether these are compatible with yours is part of the joy of getting to know each other.

The things that don’t change

Just because someone has been alive for a certain amount of time doesn’t mean they’ve lost any of their vital spark or zest for life – some things are eternal. One of the things that never changes is the desire to give and receive love. It’s been proven that being in love can help people to live longer and overcome illnesses including high blood pressure and heart disease – a good reason to get out there and date no matter how old you are.

Our communication style affects how others perceive us and how we manage our relationships. Many people are unaware of the differences in communication styles and find themselves frustrated by people who have a different style to them.

Communication is much more than the words we say, it’s also our body language, energy, tone, style and confidence. Knowing what style you are can help maximise your chances of success when dating.

The different types

There are tests you can take to discover your communication style. Although they have different headings they can be broadly split into four categories.

Sympathetic - generally good listeners, focus on other people and their needs, invest a lot into their relationships. Don’t like conflict and will do all they can to try and see everyone’s point of view and keep the peace.

Negative aspect – can be dominated by others and are often seen as too soft, allowing people to take advantage of them.

Direct  - not usually big conversationalists. They get straight to the point and their conversations are usually quite brief, usually because they’re focusing on other things at the same time. They’re able to see the big picture and can often identify a clear plan of action in situations. Focused on the end goal and able to see the route there.

Negative aspect – they may come across as abrupt, arrogant, opinionated and intimidating because they say what they think and feel, without dressing it up to make it mare palatable.

Systematic - will often get lost in the planning and may lose sight of what it is they are trying to do. Will focus more on facts and figures rather than the bigger picture and it can be hard to prise them away from work. Not generally comfortable with conflict, they will avoid it rather than try to resolve it.

Negative aspect – This logical approach can sometimes be perceived as unemotional or nonchalant.

Expressive – will have boundless energy, speak quickly and can often see a bigger picture that other people are unaware of. They find conflict and differences of opinion invigorating.

Negative aspect -They can come across as being vain, overly confident and unpredictable.

Your type

You might identify with more than one of the descriptions above because it’s possible to switch from one type to another depending on who you are with. You’ll have a predominant style that reflects who you are when you feel comfortable, relaxed and most natural. Taking an online test can help you identify your strengths and weaknesses and also establish which communication styles will be most compatible with you.

The impact of communication when dating

Dating is essentially a series of communications between two people. Every single step of the way each person will be evaluating whether they want to go any further with the match, depending on the success of the communication, e.g. how long it takes to reply to an email, text or to return a call, how intimate and revealing written communication is, evidence that a match has taken on board information you have given them.

How do you want others to see you?

How we communicate isn’t set in stone. You can learn new styles and strategies if the way you currently communicate isn’t getting you the results you want in your relationships. The most important thing is to be authentic, especially when it comes to dating.

Is the way you communicate a reflection of who you really are or do you find yourself covering up fears and insecurities with a louder or more confident style than you really feel? Nerves play a big part when you begin communicating with a new match. Bear that in mind if you find a date’s style difficult to begin with.

Relationships that stand the test of time usually do so because the couple communicate well. Most problems in relationships can be traced back to a lack of effective communication. We are never just sharing information in the form of words, it’s also our feelings, needs, fears, hopes and dreams. It’s through sharing these with a partner that intimacy is developed.

Honesty

One of the most common problems comes from people not being honest with their partner about how they feel. This may mean you go along with things you don’t really like or hide hurt feelings when something upsets you. The reason we do this is to protect the relationship from arguments and resentment but a lack of honesty can stop trust and intimacy from developing.

It wouldn’t be appropriate to share all our thoughts and feelings because they often change so quickly. It takes time to establish a strong enough bond where you can be open about anything. The important thing is to check that you’re willing to be open even if you’re not quite there yet.

Be as honest as possible with your partner about your feelings. Don’t expect them to be able to mind-read, most people can’t. If you say you’re happy about something then they will assume that you are being honest. Take responsibility for your own happiness and be clear with your partner about how they contribute to it.

Embrace the differences

In his book ‘Men are from Mars, Women are form Venus’ John Gray says that women and men communicate in totally different ways. Men communicate to impart information and solve problems while women talk to share feelings and feel closer to people.

Women often hope their partner will interpret the meaning behind their words and fulfil her needs. Men get frustrated by this lack of clarity and respond much better to clear requests. If a woman is telling him something he will think it’s because she wants him to help solve a problem, while she might just want to feel close to him.

Obviously each person communicates in a unique way and it’s important to understand your partner’s communication style. Some people are naturally quiet and reflective and each of us will communicate love in different ways. The most common mistake people make is in believing that their partner should be able to communicate with them in the way a same-sex friend would.

Listen as well as talk

Listening is as important to good communication as speaking is. When someone doesn’t listen it can feel like they don’t care. Sometimes it can seem like they aren’t listening because they’re carrying on with other things while you are speaking to them – they’re with you in body but their mind is elsewhere.

No-one can give you their undivided attention all the time so it’s important to let them know when you need them to really listen to what you are saying. We teach people how to treat us.

To practice active listening:

- Stop what you’re doing and give your partner your attention when they are speaking to you. Say if you haven’t got time now and arrange a time when you can listen properly.

- Don’t formulate a response in your head while they are speaking.

- Take notice of their body language as well as their words.

- Get a sense of how they are feeling about what they are telling you – ask them if you are right e.g ‘You seem quite upset about this’.

- Clarify why they are sharing this with you. Do they just want to share or do they need something from you?

- Ask for clarity if you are unsure about anything.

- Give your partner some undivided attention every day. A 10 minute check in at the beginning, or end, of each day can stop big problems from building up.

Interesting conversation is the key to a good first date. The way to keep it flowing is through a balance of sharing, listening, asking questions and showing an interest in the answers.

You need to be careful not to bombard your date with questions as this can make people uncomfortable. Try to stick to open questions which require more than a yes or no in response and be willing to tell them about yourself too.

A conversation is an exchange and if done well it can leave you both wanting more. There are some subjects that should be avoided on the first date if you want the best chance of moving on to a second date.

Wedding plans

While you may really want to know whether your date is thinking in terms of marriage and a family, the first date is not the time to ask when you might walk down the aisle together. Even if there is a strong connection, broaching the subject of a future together too soon can scare even the keenest match away. Be patient and take the time to get to know each other first.

How do you think it is going?

Everyone feels insecure on a first date and it’s natural to want to ask for reassurance that your date likes you and is enjoying your company. However, asking the question will make you seem needy and insecure which aren’t attractive qualities. Instead rely on your intuition, read their body language and soon enough you will know – hopefully when they ask you on a second date.

Remember many people like to go away and reflect on a date before they decide if they want to see someone again. Be patient and don’t push for an answer too quickly.

Situation vacant

Intense questioning should be used sparingly to avoid a first date being more like a job interview. It’s better to share an anecdote about your life that leads into a question rather that ask random, unrelated questions. Avoid questions that are really common but use what you already know from their profile e.g. instead of saying ‘Do you like music?’ you could say ‘I saw on your profile that you like Jazz, have you ever been to a live session?’

Have you got any cash?

Even in a genuine emergency where you’ve lost your purse/wallet do not ask your date if you can borrow money from them. You’re strangers and even if you’re sure you want to see each other again, asking for money gives the impression that at best, you’re careless and at worst, that you want to exploit them. If you find yourself in a financial scrape call a friend to bail you out.

Intimate details

A first date should be fun and the conversation kept light. You may know things about your match from your conversation online or their profile but this isn’t the time to explore more deeply. It is also not appropriate to ask about sexual preferences or other intimate details. There’ll be time for all those conversations when you’ve decided if you want to see each other again.

When you are asked questions keep your answers truthful and light. Avoid over-sharing as it can leave you feeling vulnerable and exposed especially if your date doesn’t ask to see you again.

The key to success on a first date is not getting attached too soon. Just enjoy the date for what it is, try to relax so you can see if there is any chemistry between you.

These days most people are plugged into the internet and social network sites 24/7. It’s natural to want to share big news and exciting developments with your nearest and dearest but sharing it online with your virtual friends can sometimes backfire.

Don’t share…

… that you’re ‘in a relationship’ – too soon

Some people are on such a high after a date with someone they really connect with that they immediately change their online status. This will naturally attract a flurry of questions and before you know it you’ve shared far more than you intended.

Allow yourself to have at least six dates, or establish that you’re seeing each other exclusively, before you make any public announcements. It could save a lot of embarrassment later on.

The decision to make your union public should be one you make as a couple – not everyone is comfortable with having their business online. Every time you share about the relationship you’re sharing their business as well as yours, so you need to be in agreement.

… anything you wouldn’t tell your best friend

Sitting in front of a computer can make people feel like what they’re sharing is anonymous, especially in chat rooms or private forums. Even if you have a username and alternative email address these postings are still traceable and what you post online stays online, for a very long time.

… problems you’re having with your partner

If you’re struggling with any aspect of your relationship talk to your partner about it – or a friend in confidence –  rather than your online friends.

… choices which should be personal between you and your partner

Many people are so reliant on the approval of their friends that they invite them to be part of the important decisions in their life such as their baby’s name or honeymoon destination. This can damage a relationship, taking the autonomy away from you as a couple and could make your partner feel that their opinion is less important than your friends.

… all the time with your partner virtually

In a long distance relationship it may be inevitable that you can’t see each other face to face but online communication is no substitute for conversation in person, on the telephone or over Skype. Tagging, poking, nudging and tweeting can let someone know you are thinking about them but it won’t deepen the relationship between you.

… your status when you are out on a date

A sure sign that someone isn’t having a good time on a date is that they’re updating their status about it while the date is still going on. It shows that you aren’t really engaged with the person you’re with and that the experience you are having is superficial rather than meaningful time spent with someone you’re really interested in.

… your doubts about the relationship

You may think that the relationship isn’t going well but enlisting the opinion of your friends online isn’t the right way to deal with your doubts. Not only is this very disloyal to your current partner but any future partner could see it on your timeline.

… anything you wouldn’t be happy to see printed on the front page of a tabloid newspaper

This includes photos, remarks, opinions and comments. What’s posted online in any format whether it’s a social network or a private forum stays traceable for many years afterwards and can be almost impossible to get rid of.  For this reason sharing any details about your relationship online could be seen as over-sharing.

Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D from Psychologies Today suggests ‘Ask yourself why you feel this need to share, or perhaps over-share, the details of your personal life. Are you trying to seek attention, approval, or acceptance?’

When it comes to your love life remember to put your relationship ahead of the approval or acceptance of other people or your need for attention.

Although someone who is divorced is as single as someone who has been widowed or never married, there are certain differences which will make their situation unique and could pose challenges in the development of something new. Naturally these will not apply to everyone who is divorced – there will be differences depending on when the divorce happened; whether it was amicable and whether there are children involved.

Here are some of the pros and cons of dating a divorcee:

Pros

1.      Time – divorce is often the result of a relationship where people rushed in too quickly and didn’t really take sufficient time to get to know each other. It is unlikely that someone who has been through this will want to make the same mistake again so they are more likely to take their time getting to know you.

2.      Commitment – having already made a commitment a divorcee will often be much clearer about the realities of that decision and the problems that can arise. Although they may be slower to make the commitment, they are more likely to stick with it once they do rather than go through the pain of another separation.

3.      Experience – when someone has been through the pain, loss and separation that divorce can entail, it can make them more rounded as a person. Having had a relationship, a wedding and a shared home will have given them a chance to find out who they are and what is important to them. This experience is invaluable when forming a new relationship.

4.      Open-mindedness – often a person who has been through a divorce may have a complicated family life with ex in-laws, children and contact with their spouse. This can often result in them being much more open minded and adaptable themselves with a deeper understanding that every person’s situation is unique and not necessarily a reflection of their values or beliefs – a divorcee may still believe in the sanctity of marriage but their ex didn’t.

5.      Communication – good communication skills are at the heart of any lasting healthy relationship. Someone who has been married and shared their life with someone, will probably have developed more emotional intelligence and good communication skills than someone who has never had that experience.

Cons

1.      Once bitten – for some divorcees the experience was so painful that they resolve to never make the same mistake again and therefore will not consider remarrying. It is possible to share a full and happy life with someone without a marriage certificate but if it is high on your list of priorities it is best to check whether this is ever a possibility.

2.      Emotional baggage – a bad divorce can leave people bitter, angry, resentful and with a skewed view of relationships. While their feelings may be entirely justified it may be impossible to break down the barriers and form a new relationship until they have worked through the issues. It takes time to heal and the more recent the divorce was the more likely it is that they are still working through there feelings. Be especially wary of someone who is only just going through divorce proceedings and still living in the marital home – the chances are you may be used as a stepping stone to freedom.

3.      Trust – although it is unfair to be judged because of someone else’s bad behaviour, when a person has been badly hurt they are going to be wary of trusting again. You will need to be patient and over time trust will build as the painful past is replaced with healthier experiences in the here and now.

4.      Entanglement – while the emotional and physical separation may have happened often the logistics of a divorce and division of property and money can take much longer to resolve. This can have practical implications in the development of a new relationship.

5.      Family ties – if there are children from the marriage you have to accept, whatever the age of the children and whether they live with their parent or not, that this match comes as a package. Having children will usually also necessitate contact with the other parent to some degree and this can be difficult when a new relationship is developing.

Every situation will be unique and as with the development of any new relationship, you need to be honest with yourself and your match as to whether the relationship is something you want. It is important not to make assumptions based on someone’s marital status, instead judge each situation on its merits.

All through the dating process, from the first guided communication to the decision to make a commitment to be together, there will be things that arise which leave you unsure of the right course of action to take. Part of the reason why dating dilemmas can be so difficult is because your decisions will have to take into account your feelings, your date’s feelings and what is best for the relationship as a whole.

Is it working?

In terms of dating this is the ultimate question which will come up time and time again while the relationship is developing. It is good to keep checking in with yourself, and your partner, to see if you are both on the same page and happy to continue. The difficulty can arise when you begin to think it is not working and can’t decide whether to end it or not.

When faced with this dilemma a useful strategy is to divide a piece of paper in two and on one side write everything that is good about the relationship and on the other, everything that is problematic or causes you uncertainty. Seeing it all written down in black and white will help you see if the relationship is balanced and what the right course of action might be. Talk your findings through with a supportive friend and give yourself time to really think things through before you make a decision – most importantly try to avoid making a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion like fear or anger.

Can I ask them to change?

When you meet someone you really connect with, even if you seem like a perfect match, there might be aspects about their personality, mannerisms or behaviour that you find difficult. You may find yourself wishing you could just tweak them a little bit because then they would be perfect. As one woman said, ‘I knew he was the one for me, he was everything I wanted to change in a man.’

Whether it is because you don’t like their manners or something superficial like how they dress – asking someone to change to make them more acceptable to you is always going to be a potential minefield. Before you tackle any issue it is important to ask yourself ‘How important is it?’ If it is an issue that will mean the end of the relationship if it isn’t addressed you will have to find a diplomatic way of raising it with your partner. Be honest and explain why it is important to you but don’t be surprised if you meet some resistance, most people don’t like to hear criticism, no matter how lovingly it is given.

Allow time for change to happen but if you feel they have dug their heels in and refuse to meet you even halfway it could be a sign that the relationship is not going to work. Whatever you do don’t just ignore the things that bother you hoping they will go away, the things that are a little bit annoying at the beginning of a relationship are often the same things that cause it to end.

Is it OK to hope for more than someone is offering?

When you start getting to know someone you will both be trying to establish whether you are compatible. An important part of compatibility is working out if you want the same things e.g. a monogamous relationship; marriage, kids or to go on a world adventure together. Most people have an idea of the direction that they would like their life to go in and are looking for a partner who shares their dreams or who wants similar things.

If you establish that a person doesn’t want the same things as you but you have a great connection do you cut your losses and move on to someone who shares your vision or let go of your dreams in order to be with this person?

You might be tempted to continue with the relationship regardless saying that they accept the situation but secretly hoping that, over time, you will get them to come round to your way of thinking. This is unfair. They may change their mind in the future but there are no guarantees. If that is what you are hoping for then you will be lying when you say you are OK with their decision.  Either accept someone as they are today or cut your losses and find someone who wants the same things as you.

Whenever a dilemma arises communication is the best way to resolve it. Most things feel much worse when they are spinning around in your head and talking things with a friend you will get some clarity. A problem shared is a problem halved.