Relationship Advice

2 May 2011

The truth about men and feelings

by Christian Carter

Are men scared off by emotions? Have you been accused of being needy or too emotional in your relationships? Read on to find out how to use your feelings the RIGHT way with a man.

By Christian Carter, author of best-selling eBook Catch Him & Keep Him and free newsletter

Guys get a bad rap when it comes to feelings.  Basically, people think we don’t have them, don’t want to share them, and don’t want to listen to them, either.  But that’s not true.  Let me tell you about what’s really going on for men when it comes to feelings, and show you how you can use this knowledge to build a solid foundation for a secure, lasting relationship.

Understand that we don’t feel the way you do
A lot of the pain and frustration I see women in results from thinking that when it comes to feelings, men function like women. But the truth is that we have a much harder time processing and handling feelings than you do.  We’re not as good at it.  We also don’t have the extensive support system that women have, which explains why men escape into things like work, sports, and the television.

If you can understand this and learn to work with us instead of against us, you’re already getting a huge advantage when it comes to men and relationships.   The other thing to remember is that as men, we want to fix things.  And we get really frustrated when we can’t.  Which brings me to…

Take the pressure off him to “fix” your feelings
Of course, you want a man to acknowledge and satisfy your feelings and desires.  It’s a man’s place in a relationship to be a good partner, to care for you, to listen, to be a great lover, to connect, to be loyal, and to share.

But, when you demand that a man meet your emotional needs and you “lean” on him out of your own fears, frustrations, and uncertainty, you are setting both of you up for disappointment. No relationship can meet all your emotional needs. Relationships are supposed to be about growth, and not about becoming dependent on someone else meeting your emotional needs at any time you want.

Take the lead in positive communication
Now that you know you are much more adept at feeling your feelings and sharing them, use this knowledge to create a supportive environment for good communication with your man.  How?  First, always try to come from a place of compassion and understanding.  I know this is hard to do, but think about it – you get what you give.  And you will get a lot further with a man when you approach your interactions with him this way.  Understand that he doesn’t “get” feelings and communication the way you do.

Instead of approaching a conversation thinking he’s doing something on purpose or being insensitive, shift your awareness to thinking he just needs help understanding where you’re coming from.  Then, communicate from that place.  Instead of saying, “I’m fed up that you never want to hang out with my friends,” try a positive set up like this: “You know I want us both to feel happy in this relationship, and I always want to be honest with you.  I notice that we don’t do a lot of things with my friends, and I’d really like them to know you better.  How do you think we can make this work for both of us?”  When you talk to a man with a positive set-up like this, you’re priming him to see that you are not looking to fight – you’re looking to get things right.

In order to make a relationship work, it’s critical for you to understand that men simply aren’t “wired” the same way women are when it comes to connecting on an emotional level.  But when you take responsibility for your own feelings and share them with him in a positive way, he’ll see that you are a capable, competent woman who puts the relationship first – the kind of woman he wants to have at his side.

Don’t let negative fear and emotions get in the way of the amazing relationship that should be yours. To learn how to share your feelings with a man in a way he’ll truly respond to, subscribe to Christian’s free e-newsletter.  He’ll teach you how to talk to a man in a way that won’t make you appear needy and clingy…and will make him see you as the one woman he can’t live without.

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3 May 2011 23:15

Many women seem to think that men and feelings don’t exist and they couldn’t be more wrong.
Where women fall down in this area is by not being direct in communication rather using signs or couldn’t you tell I was upset. Women need to understand that men do have feelings and will communicate them when they feel safe to do so, but will always keep in mind that they have to confirm to societies expectations of being strong and dependable otherwise risk having their partner walk away for a more together bloke so to speak.
Life deals all sorts of challenges and unfortunately this will at times spill over to relationships, take the current Australian situation with all our returned service persons, now this is extreme I know, they have witnessed and experienced utter terror and will come home to new partners and wives with a notion of all is well, yet deep inside them is the beast of stress waiting to emerge. Most women will see these bronzed Anzacs a quite a catch.
Now most partners in actual fact 90% of partners leave, because they just don’t understand and do not wish to understand why their loved one is crying or struggling, can’t focus etc, either way there is less than 10% of partners who stick around to overcome the challenges, yet they all claim to have been in love till death do us part, or the old I will never leave you.
The serviceman tries desperately to explain his or her feelings and connect but to no avail as they are trapped in this mind set of I have to stay strong and be dependable and she just couldn’t understand how I feel. There are very few if any partners who stick around when their husband, boyfriend, girlfriend partner is finding life a little tough; unfortunately love today has no loyalty, it’s all about the NEW IDEA romance, with all the trimmings.
When it comes down to expressing love and affection in a relationship in my opinion most men will attempt this but will retract due to not wanting to be seen as needy, the old rule of “if my partner just picked up the vacuum cleaner is a turn on” is nothing more than tripe as many men today conduct house hold tasks in running the home and in some cases, roles have completely reversed, yet women still want the strong dependable type with no baggage and the six figure income, looks are essential otherwise how does one approach and meet a person that isn’t attractive, in order to get to know the real heart of that person. Most women want Brains and Braun and generally will shy away from men with children, yet will expect a man to take on her children, I am yet to meet a woman who will take on a single father who has been widowed for example, because there is no balance of shared custody and time off so to speak.
The truth of men expressing feelings really comes down to how safe they feel in a relationship and women need to be more direct in communication, try grabbing some wine, sitting on the stairs or balcony a couple of snacks and juts talk, most men will open up then and ladies this is your opportunity to say babe I really love you, but sweetie the other day you did X or said X or didn’t do X and it made me feel really down, hurt , unloved, angry etc, don’t leave it thinking it will be ok, be open with communications and your relationship will boom, if you don’t then you can expect nothing more than a sudden departure of her and the men sitting there wondering what happened.

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8 May 2011 15:34

Expanding on Paul’s comments,I would encourage women to realise that men do not pick up on nuance the way that women do. Do not beat around the bush – say what you really mean.

I have know so many women who have told their partners they have not been happy and have wanted to get couple’s counselling or coaching and the guy has said “no you are not happy, so you get help”.

It is not until the woman has got as much guidance as she can that she finally says, “I cannot take anymore, we’re over” and then suddenly the guy says “but we haven’t had counselling!”

So I would say to women – be upfront and know your limits EARLY. Explain to new partners what your expectations are. It is better to do this than to latter go through the pain of a break up.

Know what your core needs and core ideals are – they are two distinct things – and if your needs are not met after insisting that your partner steps up, then you leave. If the ideals are not met, then you know that it’s time to compromise, discuss and find space to negotiate.

Relationships take communication.
Communication is useless unless it is honest.
Honesty is useless unless is driven by values and deep intention for a life of authenticity.
Authenticity is useless if it is judgemental and does not accept other ideals and perceptions.

Be open minded.
Be true to yourself.
Be flexible and adaptable.
Be capable of change.
and always come from a place of love and acceptance.

And know that there is someone out there who is looking for someone just like you!

Just shine – and make yourself visable.

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21 May 2011 14:42

You’re so right Karina, that’s me to-a-T.
Relationships take communication, nearly twenty years and that part just wasn’t working at all. Now it’s a lesson learned but at a cost to my relationship and so it’s with past regrets but with a positive attitude to finding that there is someone out there who is looking for that someone just like me!

Well at least I’m not like the Terminator no Governator no I think that’s now the Sperminator !!!

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2 February 2012 02:20

“t’s critical for you to understand that men simply aren’t “wired” the same way women are when it comes to connecting on an emotional level.” …

No some men… the type that watch a lot of sports possibly.. aren’t ..

many ‘new age’ guys, are perfectly comfortable with feelings…

These blogs really are ‘dating for the 1950′s aren’t they?

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10 April 2014 15:01

I’m a man and this article is 100% dead spot-on. Women, if you want your man to listen and feel and express feelings, just do what this article says.

I sure do wish my soon to be ex wife would talk to me this way. I’ll admit it. I need help to decode her feelings. I don’t pick up the subtle undertones and messages when she tells me things seemingly in passing, across the room, in a way that I interpret as a complaint.

If she were to ask me to sit down, take my hand, tell me she loves me and wants our relationship to be the best it can, and how she feels, I would just fall on the floor!

And after that, I would get back up hold her hands and put in all the effort needed to understand what she was saying.

It’s almost like I (and maybe most men) don’t get that it’s feelings time unless you tell us. And that doesn’t make the feelings matter less. It makes them matter more. We have feelings too and want to share them. Our women were made to help us do that and we want them to do that.

Ladies, we love you!

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