1 July 2011
Are your efforts backfiring with him?
by Rori Raye
Do you feel that dating and relationships are draining and exhausting? If you're doing all the work trying to keep things afloat between you and a man, Rori explains what to do to make him step up to the plate all by himself...and start feeling loved and secure.
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By Rori Raye
Author of best-selling eBook Have The Relationship You Want and free newsletter
Imagine a relationship is a boat, and the person who is rowing is doing the work to keep it moving forward. And now I want you to ask yourself: who’s doing the rowing in your relationships?
If you’re trying to get a man’s attention, initiating plans with him, thinking up little things to do for him, or even just plain thinking about him too much, you’re rowing. You may be smiling and pretending you’re not, but if men and relationships seem difficult to you, chances are you’re rowing hard, and he’s just enjoying the cruise.
What happens to him and you when you’re rowing?
When you’re working too hard at starting a relationship with a man or keeping it going, two things happen: you become tired and resentful, and he actually becomes LESS attracted to you.
It’s true. Contrary to what you may think, a man can’t fall in love with you if you’re doing all the giving. A man is a competitive creature who needs to invest in you and make an effort for you so that he feels he has “won” you. And if you’re doing all the giving, you’re thwarting his natural drive to chase you. Not only that, but your need to do things for him and move the relationship forward will translate into a needy vibe that is just not attractive to him.
Putting the oars down and turning things around
When you’re in a situation like this, there’s one thing I want you to do: stop doing everything you’re doing! If you’re always coming up with ideas for the two of you to do, stop. If you’re always reaching for his hand when you walk down the street, stop. If you’re trying to convince him that you make a great couple and that he should commit to you, absolutely stop.
Instead, I want you to put all that energy that you’ve been directing at him back onto you.
Make a list of hobbies and friends you’ve been neglecting (and you almost certainly have if you’ve been working so hard for a man) and then start doing those things again. It’s the only way to stop the analyzing, processing, and thinking that you’ve been doing about the relationship.
Watching to see what he does…and how you feel
Waiting for a man to pick up the oars and pull your boat offshore can feel extremely scary. You’ll feel like you’re going to lose him. You’ll worry he’ll think you’re not interested. But this is not what happens. When you stop all your efforts in his direction – and instead focus on just being good to yourself – something magical happens.
The wrong man will show his true colors very quickly. He won’t step up to the plate, and he’ll allow you to see that you are worth so much more. It will feel painful to watch him go, but the pain and wasted time will be far worse if you continue to stay with him.
The right man, however, will notice the shift in you. He’ll feel a natural impulse to value you more and pick up the slack. Whenever you feel the temptation to do more for him, stop and realize that the rewards will be so much sweeter if you don’t. And when he does step forward to pick up the oars, here’s how you give: by giving back. By appreciating him and letting him know how good he makes you feel. That’s the kind of giving men respond to most, and it’s what makes him want to keep showering you with love.
Are you chasing a man or working too hard in relationships without realizing it? Subscribe to Rori’s free e-newsletter [link to subscribe page] to find out. You’ll discover a whole new way to relate to a man – from the moment you meet him all the way through commitment and marriage – so that you finally have the secure, loving, lasting relationship you’ve always wanted.
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1
Sue Shaw
2 July 2011 01:36
Oh how true!!!! I was in a relationship for two years that was going in exactly that direction. When I pulled back and stopped organizing activities we sat at home every weekend watching tv and eating take away food.That was enough for me to realize that he was more interested in having a mother than a partner and we parted company but stayed friends. Fortunately it also gave him the opprtunity to realize that he didn’t feel strongly enough about me to carry a relationship. We are both less stressed and enjoy occasional night’s out as friends.
2
Ces
4 July 2011 02:22
Totally agree. I used to be ‘one of those girls’. After speaking to male friends they ALL said they don’t like girls to chase them, they want to do the chasing. In fact they also said that men will go out with & even live with a girl they are not totally in love with and know she is not the ‘one’, because it is conveinient at the time but they are always on the look out for ‘the one’.
When a woman chases men she leaves herself open to being ‘used & abused’ so to speak & will never feel fully comfortable in that relationship because you will never know if he is with you because he is in love with you or with you because you chased him & yeah your a nice girl who treats him well so ‘you will do in the meantime’!
Ask your men friends & see what they say.
3
tallulah
16 October 2011 01:58
This is possibly the worst advice you could offer to a woman. If a man pursues you because he believes you are not interested anymore or have given up, this is because he now sees you as a ‘challenge’ and wants to conquer you again. His prize dog has jumped fence (he probably has many other dogs mind you) and he is now building a higher fence to make it harder for her to get away a second time. This type of individual is known to therapists as a low empathy disordered person or sociopath/psychopath etc. A normal healthy individual will not make you feel frustrated or exhausted at the start of the relationship and will not pursue you simply as a ‘challenge’ when you are disinterested. I find this article quite offensive in the way that it blames women for unhealthy male behaviour which they have no control over. You do not blame a woman when she is raped by saying that she was dressed provocatively and you do not blame a woman when her husband beats her because she did something to upset him. If a man makes you feel exhausted, frustrated or hurt at the start of the relationship these are big warning bells that you that you are dating a deadbeat guy. A healthy normal person will show that he is interested in a more subtle and guarded way than a sociopath will and will never chase you when you push him away instead he will simply respect your decision to leave and will be left feeling more hurt and guarded than he was before he met you. The sociopath on the other hand will pursue, pursue, pursue purely because you have rejected him EVEN when he does not like you or feel remotely attracted to you!!
4
Maria
15 November 2011 05:07
Nothing more true than this article. And same goes for men who try too hard as well. I think Tullula is speaking about deranged personalities from a clinical point of view, which are out there but certainly aren’t the majority of the people. If you are in a relationship with someone you can feel if the person is balanced or not (in which case, it is better to pack) and also if the relationship is balanced or not. This can be hard to admit but it’s an awesome sign of health, and a relationship where one is giving way too much and being almost solely responsible for its existance, is yes, unhealthy and needs to be handled according to this advice. It has worked for me numerous times.
5
Mavis Russell
25 November 2011 06:08
I tried to leave a message for a gentleman, Barry Marshall I think his name was. He was from Berwick, Vic and aged late 60′s. He was a lovely man and did a lot of volunteering in the community. I tried to send him a message, but am afraid I have deleted him. I do wish to contact him, but if he deleted me I will accept it. I would appreciate it if you could put me in contact with him.
6
Susan
25 December 2011 09:02
I’ve just read this artical and was wondering does it apply to a gbreak up aswell?
my bf broke things off a few months ago but he only moved out 3 weeks ago…. it seems the more i chase after him and the more i msg him the further he pushes away and claims hes “too busy” … I’m wondering if I back off and dont msg or contact him the chances he will come back will be greater then if i keep at him?
what do you think?
7
pretty vacant
28 January 2012 06:19
What a bunch of Bollocks!! Most women have full control of their mouths, I can’t see why they have to resort to psychological manipulation in order to convey their feelings instead of speaking to their man like a normal adult. Stupid article.
8
Mark
1 February 2012 08:54
This article concerns me. The last thing you want to do is manipulate someone into liking you because they are not showing enough interest. You may bring them around by using trickery but unless you are a magician with a life time of tricks up your sleeve you are setting yourself up tor a broken heart. The start of a relationship should be filled with fun and excitement and equal commitment. Each with an ore in hand rowing in the same direction.
9
Damian
2 February 2012 02:03
Totally disagree to be honest, I like to have honest communicationwith a woman not play ‘relationship games’ and I really like it when a woman demonstrates her interest, it tends to make me more interested in her. I’m absolutely not one that prefers to chase.
This article applies to the Alpha male types that women always complain about dating… not the vast majority of ordinary men.
10
Wendy
9 February 2012 00:51
More mind games. If I have to stoop to doing this, I’m in the wrong place. If it’s hard work in the beginning, its going to be hard work at the finish, which will probably be really soon. Bottom line: your gut always knows.
11
Kerry
12 February 2012 12:20
Read an interesting article about this very subject recently. In it, the author suggested that by taking such approaches we can end up with exactly the kind of partner we don’t want. After all, exactly when does this game playing stop?
I’m pleased to see that I am not the only man here who is not interested in such game playing. If we are attracted to each other emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically, then the focus should be building on those attractions.
Regarding the physical, it is in my view a means to expressing our love, it is not the end itself. It has a small, though admittedly important, role to play.
These attractions are in a sense the fertile fields in which we can plant, grow, and develop deep, profound, lasting love. When drawn past the physical to something within someone, there is a certainty that this is worth exploring.
If the woman does not experience the same, then it seems to me that I would be foolish to attempt to artificially create such attraction. Surely it cannot be maintained, sustained, if based on psychological manipulation, because it is not real.
She loves me, she loves me not, is all good and well for children. Adults need to put aside such destructive foolishness.