1 July 2011
Why men settle down with one woman & not another
by Christian Carter
Ever had a man tell you he just wasn’t “ready” for a relationship and then watched him become serious with another woman after you? Here, Christian Carter explains what’s really going on and how to keep this from happening to you again.
By Christian Carter
Author of best-selling eBook Catch Him & Keep Him and free newsletter
Some men aren’t able to commit to a woman because they’re not ready or the timing isn’t right. But often, even a committed bachelor will take the plunge when he meets a woman who embodies a certain mindset that creates what I call emotional attraction in him:
She’s not looking to him to fill a job description
Want to know one of the biggest fears men have about relationships and commitment? That you only want us to fill a need – because you’re looking for a husband and to have children. We, just like you, want to be wanted for who we are and not just for what we can give. And so, the minute a man gets even a hint that you have an agenda other than getting to know him, he immediately shuts down and starts to feel less attracted to you.
It’s really tempting to think that your time is precious and that you need to let a man know right away whether or not he’s up for a lifelong commitment. But the danger comes in making this the primary focus of your early interactions with a man. Take your time in getting to know a man and letting him see that you enjoy being with him – that he’s not just a means to an end.
She shows him she’s willing to walk away
When a man thinks you’ve centered your whole life around him and that you’ve already decided he’s the one before he talks about commitment, he’ll feel pressured. He’ll feel pressured to live up to your expectations, and he’ll also feel anxious about letting you down. He’ll also wonder why you’ve made up your mind about him so quickly.
Instead, you need to convey to a man that you are selective. Being selective means you let him know that while you like him and enjoy being with him, you are also a woman with options who is in control of what happens to her. How do you do this? By continuing to have a life outside him – nurturing your hobbies, spending time with friends and family, improving your life and career. When you do this, he starts feeling lucky to have a place in your life, and he’ll fight to stay there.
His life is much better with her in it
One of the biggest things I teach is about building a solid foundation for a lasting relationship with a man. And the way to do this is by creating positive experiences with him. Men can’t be talked into relationships. The need for commitment arises from an emotional need deep inside a man. In order for a man to see you as a necessary part of his life, you need to create the right kind of experiences that serve to create emotional attraction in him.
A positive experience is anything that you both enjoy and that, above all, is fun. Fight the need to talk about the relationship, and instead turn your attention to creating great moments together. Do different things with him – play sports along with the usual dinners and movies. Spend time in groups of friends. Read the paper together and do spontaneous things without planning. Mix it up. All of these experiences show him that you are a woman who is easy and playful to be with, and that’s the kind of woman he’ll realize he’d be a fool to let go of.
Understanding attraction and how it works is absolutely critical if you want to create a connected, lasting relationship with a man. To learn more about the kind of woman a great guy is attracted to for the long term, subscribe to Christian’s free e-newsletter. He’ll tell you what makes a guy want to commit to you, and what you can do to get him there without any convincing or game playing.
1
lance jern
6 December 2011 18:25
I dont agree with this relationship advice. I’d never feel less attraction to a woman if she wants to have my baby.
2
Roflgun
22 December 2011 05:29
I totally disagree with the paragraph about “she’s willing to walk away”. If a woman I was dating or attempting to form a relationship with displayed that sort of behaviour to me, I instantly assume she’s playing an emotional game with me and I’ll terminate contact. Not every male is desperate enough to “fight” to be in her life. That is a bad piece of advice for women. If you’re interested in this man, then tell him so, if he’s interested in you he will say so too. Nobody appreciates games, however everybody appreciates honesty.
Use your common sense and better judgement if you want to express how you feel.
If you are really interested in him but you aren’t sure if he’s “prepared” to commit to a relationship, heres how to get a rough idea.
Watch how he interacts with people -not necessarily his friends but random people like a waitress at a coffee shop: is his eyes wandering to watch her bum instead of focussing on you; when theres kids around: does he look fondly at them or does he have a look of derision on his face; talk about one of your friends kids flippantly about what they’re doing and then toy with the idea about how you would raise that kid; does he like to do things with you or does he prefer to hang out with his mates. These are just a few examples I can give.
The last paragraph “His life is much better with her in it” is pure gold and very sound advice. Do things with him. Participate in the things he likes to do and you’ll be surprised, he’ll want to do the same for you!(not instantly but he will).
3
Trace
21 January 2012 23:12
Sounds to me like we have to do all the work!!!!!
4
Amelia
3 March 2013 22:09
Tried and True. I am 33 and my time has run out and I want to get married to a man whom I have chemistry and combatability with. My boyfriend for 1.5 yrs is the one and I told him many times of how I feel, that he is the love of my life and that I am ready to it to the next step. But he feels like he is pressured and had many times told he doesn’t want to be the center of my life. He also stressed that having a balanced life is very important because he doesn’t want his life to loose its balance. This is the critical factor in many relationships. A perfect analogy is image you have a handful of sand. You want to hold on to as much of it for as long as possible. So you tighten the hand but the sand only get pushed out. But if you just cup the sand, the sand stays in its place.
I think it is time to create more happy moments, which is what I love when we are together. No more deadlines, just live in the moment and things will naturally ‘fit’ in place.