1 July 2011
Why men settle down with one woman & not another
by Christian Carter
Ever had a man tell you he just wasn’t “ready” for a relationship and then watched him become serious with another woman after you? Here, Christian Carter explains what’s really going on and how to keep this from happening to you again.
By Christian Carter
Author of best-selling eBook Catch Him & Keep Him and free newsletter
Some men aren’t able to commit to a woman because they’re not ready or the timing isn’t right. But often, even a committed bachelor will take the plunge when he meets a woman who embodies a certain mindset that creates what I call emotional attraction in him:
She’s not looking to him to fill a job description
Want to know one of the biggest fears men have about relationships and commitment? That you only want us to fill a need – because you’re looking for a husband and to have children. We, just like you, want to be wanted for who we are and not just for what we can give. And so, the minute a man gets even a hint that you have an agenda other than getting to know him, he immediately shuts down and starts to feel less attracted to you.
It’s really tempting to think that your time is precious and that you need to let a man know right away whether or not he’s up for a lifelong commitment. But the danger comes in making this the primary focus of your early interactions with a man. Take your time in getting to know a man and letting him see that you enjoy being with him – that he’s not just a means to an end.
She shows him she’s willing to walk away
When a man thinks you’ve centered your whole life around him and that you’ve already decided he’s the one before he talks about commitment, he’ll feel pressured. He’ll feel pressured to live up to your expectations, and he’ll also feel anxious about letting you down. He’ll also wonder why you’ve made up your mind about him so quickly.
Instead, you need to convey to a man that you are selective. Being selective means you let him know that while you like him and enjoy being with him, you are also a woman with options who is in control of what happens to her. How do you do this? By continuing to have a life outside him – nurturing your hobbies, spending time with friends and family, improving your life and career. When you do this, he starts feeling lucky to have a place in your life, and he’ll fight to stay there.
His life is much better with her in it
One of the biggest things I teach is about building a solid foundation for a lasting relationship with a man. And the way to do this is by creating positive experiences with him. Men can’t be talked into relationships. The need for commitment arises from an emotional need deep inside a man. In order for a man to see you as a necessary part of his life, you need to create the right kind of experiences that serve to create emotional attraction in him.
A positive experience is anything that you both enjoy and that, above all, is fun. Fight the need to talk about the relationship, and instead turn your attention to creating great moments together. Do different things with him – play sports along with the usual dinners and movies. Spend time in groups of friends. Read the paper together and do spontaneous things without planning. Mix it up. All of these experiences show him that you are a woman who is easy and playful to be with, and that’s the kind of woman he’ll realize he’d be a fool to let go of.
Understanding attraction and how it works is absolutely critical if you want to create a connected, lasting relationship with a man. To learn more about the kind of woman a great guy is attracted to for the long term, subscribe to Christian’s free e-newsletter. He’ll tell you what makes a guy want to commit to you, and what you can do to get him there without any convincing or game playing.