Relationship Advice

I talked to someone and we met and hit it off straight away, though we lived 2 hours apart, we wanted to see how we went. I noticed after a week that he would not be available at night on his mobile and weekends at certain times, I clicked and told him I knew he was married, he baulked at the question which then led me to realise I was correct and he came clean. I had a terrible time last year on Eharmony and RSVP where literally every second male was married. and It was easy to spot. Not always available at night, they pick date times that are easy for them not for you and keep them shorter than normal, they use travelling for work and really smart ones have a separate phone which they keep at work incase they have an accident so wife never knows and they only use work computer. Made me very cynical

I’m currently in a relationship with a new partner. My last partner (3 years) and I broke up very messy and despite being so close we haven’t spoken much for a year. My ex and I share the same friends and we have just started talking again very sporadically whilst she is away in another state.

My current partner is threatened by this and seems to be checking up on my on Facebook which is quite disconcerting. We have now spoken about it so I think things will work out but it’s nice to hear the same things stated in an article as I have said to her. There’s no need to check up all she has to do is ask. I’m committed to my new relationship and my friendship with my ex is purely to make things easier amongst our friends.

Anyway thankyou for the informative article.

I’ve had a really bad experience with a married man who in turn cost me a lot of money and my career. This married man had four women on the go and children spread around the country. I become very savvy with the excuses he’d give me not to spend time with me and one thing led to another and I cracked the entire web of deceit… one woman after the other. None of the ladies or children had any idea. As a result, my trust is a little out of whack as normally I am very open and I attract similar trustworthy people.
Just be careful and that is to both men and women. There is a few horrible people out there that are selfishly willing to use you for their own ways.
I joined e-harmony last month and I started to have coffee dates with a man. I have to laugh, I knew he was seeing someone. The dates where coffee dates with the dogs at the park. Never anything after 6pm and never any contact through the week…. I also would like to suggest that e-harmony, RSVP and any other site has an obligation to uphold that these people should be removed from the site as they are frauds. Posing as singles and having innocent men and women falling for their lies is not something a dating website should be happy promoting.
Get them off the sites, ban them from returning and name and shame them!

I must admit that I have found that people have very different values on honesty.
When I meet someone – I START FROM THE DAY WE MEET. I think one has to go with their “GUT FEELING”.
If, for example, my new partnet was going away for weekends – but didn’t want to be open about it – I would put a ???
I think it is a bit gullible in this day and age to just totally “trust” someone. I am a great believer in using common sense. There will always be liars in this world who use 2 mobile phones etc etc and think they are clever – but I can tell you they usually end up very lonely in the end.
My last piece of advice:
DON’T JUST LISTEN TO WHAT SOMEONE IS SAYING TO YOU (THEY CAN BE EMPTY WORDS) LOOK AT WHAT THEY ARE DOING!!!!

Trust.
Taking my own life, narrowly speaking it has six involvements with women so far.
Three of these were married, while I was single (& it was not secret they were married, I knew two of the husbands very well going back some years).
I was married for 12 years to M, without straying (nor did M I think).
The remaining three of the six involvements were singles, but I would not totally trust any of these remaining three with unlimited access to money (needing PIN codes).
However I would trust anyone I was serious about with my e-mail passwords and phone texts and anything else non-financial.
Next, considering the relationships of others, roughly half of the married women I communicate with have an e-mail address they use with me and keep secret from their husbands that their secret e-mail address exists. These with the secret e-mail address do not sleep in the same bed as their respective husbands.
In my limited experience, 4 out of 5 long married couples do not sleep in the same bed, and often they do not even sleep in the same bedroom.
What I am getting at is that the article partly dwells on trust in relationships, but as far as I can tell there are very few people that can be trusted and also that the majority of marriages slide into decline.
I would like to trust partners with money or financial matters, but I have found that apart from the financial risk it involves on my part, it leads to complications because my own finances are likely to be very different from hers, whoever she is. For example I have no debts, and receive nothing from any government (apart from dividend imputation credits = tax refunds), and nearly everyone in a modern developed country either has a debt of some description or receives some sort of income from a government. In many cases, marrying me would cut them off from any income stream they receive from a government.
As regards ex-girlfriends. One of the married ones W I was still in daily contact with via e-mail when I met the next one A. This led to (understandable) paranoia on the part of my subsequent girlfriend A. But from my point of view I wanted A to know everything about me and to reassure her there was nothing untoward going on with W. But access to my e-mails (between W & myself) had the opposite effect on A.
So the conclusion I want to offer is that there are no hard and fast rules, complete openness on my part can backfire with some relationships partly because of differences in situations, but at the same time I expect complete openness from others.
I regard the married women who cheat as well as the married couples who sleep in different rooms as all being part of failed or moribund relationships.

I was normally a trusting person. I used to fall into the catgory of someone who trusts others in a relationship until they prove themself to be untrustworthy.

That was until I became involved in a relationship with a woman about 5 years ago. Initially I trusted her implicitly and when one of her friends warnd me that she was “not what she seems” I didn’t believe the friend, who I thought was simply jealous at our happiness due to her own failed marriage.

How right that friend turned out to be! The years of misery I could have avoided if I had only listened to that friend and made a few background checks of my own. To say the woman I was seeing (and eventually married) was untrustworthy is an understatement. She was having affairs with numerous others ever since I met her-before and during our marriage. Whilst assuring me of her genuine love and commitment she was bragging to her friends behind my back about her sexuao conquests and how she would end up with the house and the car if/when I eventually found out the truth about what was going on.

There are people out there who are sociopaths. Her lawyer even told me that and said sometimes he has to represent them! My ex actually probably suffered from a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder according to a psychiatrist friend of mine (google it to get some idea of how it feels to be a victim of sokeone with this disorder!)

So my view now on “trust” is that whilst it’s important to trust your spouse and to be trusted in return that such trust has to be earned. People who are dishonest will exploit the fact that most people are naturally trusting to rip you off and even to destroy you emotionally and physically. Yes there are people out there in the dating world, male and female, who are that sick. We need to protect ourselves from such predators just the same as we do from other confidence artists such a Nigerian email scammers. Sometimes too much trust is a dangerous thing especially in relationships, until we really know the person for a long time. People who are secretive usually have something to hide. A trustworthy person will have no objection to “opening up” to you with transparency if they truly see thenselves as being in a long term committed relationship with you.

So whilst I’m certainly not advocating snooping on partners as a matter of course, if there are red flags which suggest soemone is lying and cheating you then you would be a fool not to try to do a bit of detective work to confirm or deny your suspicions. You would show due diligence in other areas of your life such as significant investments and business decisions so why would you not show the same due diligence in relation to your most importuant relationship? Trust is good, but too much blind trust which flies in the face of the facts can lead to ruin. In short, yes it is sometimes OK to check up on a partner!

Could not disagree more with this shallow, generalized, article and I question the qualifications and credentials of the author. As mentioned by others above with real life experience, confronting the partner and being met with lies and denial that don’t add up only make the hurt worse and the relationship more miserable. The truth does set you free and in a committed relationship you have every right to seek it out. What happens then can strengthen or end the relationship and either is preferable to feigning trust when you don’t feel it.

I do have to wonder why there are people on here, and commenting, when they are ‘in a relationship’?