8 March 2011
How important is physical attraction?
by eHarmony
Though we encourage eHarmony members to first focus on their matches’ inner qualities, we understand that physical attraction is important, and at some point, members will use this quality to evaluate potential matches.
Some people still believe physical appearance is the most important quality to consider when evaluating a potential partner. So even though the ‘science behind love’ doesn’t show that attractiveness is a quality that predicts a happy, long-term relationship, why do some people only use that criteria in the evaluating process?
Though physical attractiveness is subjective, there seems to be some general standards that most people agree upon, and most couples, it seems feel they are within a few levels of attractiveness of each other.
Here are some thoughts to consider:
If you’re someone who thinks they’re average on the attractiveness scale but highly value a potential partner’s attractiveness, are you open to someone in the same general attractiveness range as you?
Are you are only interested in someone who rates high on the attractiveness scale and brings much more to the looks department than you do?
Does this mean you won’t consider someone because you don’t find them attractive, even though others could similarly discount you?
In no way do we believe that a couple can’t be happy together and have a successful relationship when one partner more attractive than the other. But we’re curious about the people who are only interested in a partner who is more attractive than they are because this approach can be a challenge.
If they value physical appearance so highly, how can they expect a much more attractive person to be interested in them? Here are a few theories:
1. They’re rating themselves too highly. If someone believes they’re several levels of attractiveness higher than they actually are, they feel they’re just as attractive as the people they’re seeking.
2. They have a compensating quality. Their profession or financial status is such a strong attribute that it levels the attractiveness playing field.
3. They’re driven by biology. No matter their own level of attractiveness, some people, consciously or subconsciously, are driven to provide their children with the most attractive genes possible. So regardless of its effectiveness, they will continue to only consider attractive potential partners.
So where do you stand? Do you highly value your partner’s level of attractiveness? Are you only interested in people much more attractive than you? If you have any comments, thoughts or theories of your own, feel free to share them below.
1
Katy
11 March 2011 23:59
This article assumes there is an accepted definition of attractiveness. There could be to some extent, but then I don’t find Brad Pitt all that attractive and he’s generally accepted as highly attractive. I think the best case scenario is when both partners think the other is more attractive. It keeps both of them putting the effort in and appreciating what they have.
2
Ray
16 March 2011 05:05
Yes, I look for all qualities in a potential partner especially looks, but I do not limit it purely on a “looks basis”.
If a girl is average looking I can often see beauty in some form or another. I love a woman to be natural and that by itself is often sexy, but she needs to look after herself..
I haven’t been married yet and I’m now looking to settle down with a friendly gorgeous woman.
3
Leeanne
12 April 2011 13:05
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder! The most physically attractive person in the world can very quickly become unattractive if they are ugly inside. In my experiences it’s a guys personality that makes them attractive and at the end of the day….Looks Fade!!
4
Marion
3 May 2011 10:35
I agree with Leeanne, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have met some stunning looking men in my time, yet their inside soul leaves alot to be desired. It amazes me the many middle aged men of today continue to search for that “hot babe” they could pull in their 20′s. Cougars are for Hollywood, not real life. Wake up boys, us middle aged women have so much more to offer. The outside might be a bit worn, but the inside has had many years to refine – just like a fine wine
5
Paul
4 May 2011 10:31
I think the overall comments here are, most went for the good looks first only to discover that they were not so hot as a person, it doesn’t matter who you think you are and how much of a good person you think you are, sad fact is when you eat at the buffet, we as humans eat with our eyes first, if the meal looks good we taste, if it looks terrible we skip it, if it looks good as men we way up the baggage i.e. oh no she has a kid/kids, but hang on she looks hot and won’t have the kid all the time, she’s good in the sack so she will do for while, or in the case of the ladies he looks so hot and I know little Johnny will love him eventually, but hang on he has kids full time, I don’t want to raise some else’s brats I just want him to love mine.
Sad fact is we have placed ourselves in this mess of continually looking for the bigger better deal, when we fell in love with our original partners in the first place and should have communicated better. Men have one basic need, that is sex, while women look for dedication and respect, unfortunately today most have been raised in a femo lib world where women want to be the men and men feel they need to be the women, roles have changed so much, that marriage is more about the big function than a commitment to each other and it’s no different when it comes to a new relationship.
Now I’m not saying we need to be back in the 50s, but we do need to look at our values as a society and then ask ourselves do we want a real person, or do we want the CLEO romance, the classic tale of boy meets girl and stars shine and moons glimmer, as they whisk you away to the castle, sad fact is it doesn’t matter who the person is, when life catches up and the bills need paying and the kids are crying, thrown together with a few challenges, most cut and run.
6
Mick
17 June 2011 02:17
HEY PAUL,
don’t be so negative. Yes, you are.
Maybe you need some serious time out from dating and get yourself past the bitterness that you have lurking under the surface.
Because that’s what comes through.
Sure, everybody has been hurt at some stage, but they get over it and move on.
People are on this site to hopefully meet someone special. They are making a positive step forwards.
Take some time out, when you are ready, maybe try again.
ps. Men have two basic needs – and one is fishing.
Good Luck
7
ingi
23 June 2011 07:55
I dont know, i think paul may have a point here, most people are intollerant of other peoples kids, especially if their own kids are living elsewhere being raised by another couple. Who wouldnt be. yes its a good idea to make good of a bad situation, but, its not that cut and dry or easy.Yes when the honeymoon period is over and the bills start to pile up, well not many couples are left standing. Dont hook up unless you really have to and leave the kids out of it as long as possible. They are always the victims , here, put them first. Not yourselves
8
Benjamin
5 July 2011 09:35
Thanks to the author of this article for taking the time to put it together. There was at time when I think that I would have shared that same negative sentiment about looks, but I think that as I have learnt to embrace my masculine instincts, I accept that looks are very important thing to look for in a woman. I think that we are often pressured to not value a person based on looks, particularly because men do it and men in modern society are viewed as shallow and sinister… But we need to understand that women do the same thing, when they read a man’s body language and sense his deepest fears and insecurities. Many a timid guy has expressed irritation when women do this – particularly when there is often not the distinction between a guy who is ‘needy’ and a man who is ‘in genuine need’ – the two are not the same.
We must accept that there is a biological attraction – for both men and women, and when this is not present we need to move on. So physical attraction is important, it is a biological need that is hardwired into men because they want a healthy woman who will give the optimum chance of producing healthy offspring. This is not wrong… It just is.
9
pam
30 July 2011 11:14
well thought out responses, what one person finds attractive others don’t but there needs to be some spark….something attracts u, it might just be the eyes or the smile, or scent of a person but there has to be something..
10
Lisa Guzman
16 September 2011 04:23
I believe it’s important to be attracted to the person you said yes towards having a date with. Something did draw you to the individual whether it was a smile or a nice compliment. Attraction is different for everyone depending on their values and how they may have been raised to believe attraction is. I believe it’s important to know what your looking for in a relationship, whether your simply in a dating mode or wanting to take it a step further and going all out to find the one to marry. Being attracted to someone is a wonderful thing. However, attraction is not what holds a relationship together. A person may be attractive and thats great but they may not have matured and developed the qualities of what it takes to keep a relationship strong. Through conversation, being unafraid of being transparent you truly get to know the person for who they are and there inner beauty will shine through to give you an indication if the relationship can blossom and progress into something beautiful. Enjoy ! Lisa Guzman
11
Shiny
7 November 2011 08:45
Respect and affection are not enough to keep sex from being boring after a while. There has to be some physical chemistry there, and that may be something that attracts you but another person would never notice it. Men do want sex, lots of it, and not getting it can be very dangerous to a relationship. There should be some definite attraction that makes sex bearable long term.
12
Lee
13 January 2012 23:27
How many of us found someone (physically)attractive enough to marry them only to find them quite unattractive when it all breaks down? Yes the “look” of a person is important to us human beings. How many of us have been pleasantly surprised when we start talking to someone only to find an attraction forming or increasing. Not one of us is born knowing how to love a particular person. It is the learning how to love one another that keeps love and attraction alive. By the way when you find the right person trust your gut instinct not your eyes. You may have to compromise on some things perhaps in the looks department. But oh the rewards!, especially when you are committed sexually,the attraction grows. And…..men and women do have a “basic”, “hard wired” need… to be loved!
13
lucy
12 August 2012 07:06
that’s the nice thing about meeting people online- it’s not just the photo, your matches are shown to you on deeper principles and you begin to assess what it really is that attracts you to others. it’s also the first time someone has got me to talk to them using the words ‘i have judgemental spiders’ over simply smiling at me. hopefully i’ll get to see their smile soon
14
Sarah
14 September 2012 07:32
Some great responses here. I think there has to be a distinction made between ‘physical attraction’ and ‘sexual attraction’ – which could be created by any number of factors. For example, I’m sexually attracted to intelligence (of the ‘arty’ kind, I suppose)…and a nice voice. There needs to be SOMETHING there that makes you want to jump into the sack with someone…regularly. Having come out of a three-year-relationship with a lovely guy with whom sex was always a chore – because he believed he didn’t have to make an effort once he was in a steady relationship – I’ve reassessed my view that valuing sexual chemistry is nasty and shallow!
And let me reiterate, attractiveness – physical or otherwise – is in the eye of the beholder – I agree with Katy, including the bit about Brad Pitt, haha.