6 April 2011
Does age difference really matter?
by eHarmony
As life expectancy goes up and people take better care of themselves, do traditional notions of appropriate age differences in relationships still matter? Are we just making it harder on ourselves by refusing to consider potential partners who are outside our personal set ‘age limit’?
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
As life expectancy goes up and people take better care of themselves, do traditional notions of appropriate age differences in relationships still matter? Are we just making it harder on ourselves by refusing to consider potential partners who are outside our personal set ‘age limit’?
If having children is in your plans and you’re a man, the age of your partner matters. There are certainly ways for older women to conceive children, but most men who want families tend to try and date women who are younger than 40.
Aside from that scenario, however, is there any reason that a 30-year-old woman can find love with a 35-year old and not a 45-year-old? There are men of that age who are in great shape, physically attractive, interesting and successful. So perhaps there is no reason to categorically exclude them.
Men often pursue younger women, even if they aren’t interested in a family. The typical reason being, ‘that’s who I’m more attracted to.’ But again, the sex appeal boundary gets pushed out further and further as women in their 50′s any beyond find themselves as public sex symbols.
Kim Cattrall of Sex in the City fame is 55. Elle McPherson is 48. Sharon Stone is 53. And while they are exceptionally attractive examples, it is certainly possible to meet someone significantly older who is sexy and attractive. Is having a policy against it a good idea?
Women in their 50′s may restrict their dating range because they risk falling in love with an older man and having to deal with his health issues. Men typically have a shorter average lifespan than women, but this doesn’t tell you anything about a particular guy. Some men may be remarkably fit and healthy for their age.
While any person is free to do what they like when looking for a relationship, is there really a benefit for the searcher to cast a narrow age restriction?
What do you think?
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1
Klaus Lietz
24 April 2011 21:51
There is one reason why I have not paid for any subscription with you people and that is your matches seemingly inflexibilty with that. I does not appear to be able by myself to find a match. Age differences in choosing a partner is up to the person browsing not to you and your ideas! If you can show me how I can pick a partner on my own, there may be a greater chance to have me as a paid member.
Klaus Lietz
2
mary
27 April 2011 23:41
Women are no different to men. I am 40 and I rarely find 45 year old men attractive because men dont look after them selves as well as women do as they age. Moral of the story? If you ar a man of 40 or older that wants to snag a chick your own age or younger dress young, colour the greys, look after your skin and get to the gym!!!
3
alison
1 May 2011 14:45
6 stars
4
eHarmony
2 May 2011 01:00
Hi Klaus
I’m sorry you’re experiencing issues with the service. Did you know you can change some of your match setting in your profile, to relax or expand them? This often leads to an increase in match numbers.
If you are still experiencing difficulties with the site, our customer care team would be more than happy to assist – free call 1800 217 573 from Monday – Friday (6am-5pm) AEDST and Saturday (9am-3pm) AEDST.
5
Sue
3 May 2011 13:07
I think age is a factor. A friend once told me a woman in her 50s is invisible – now I know that is true!!
I have had several closures and very few contacts so regret signing up for this service.Not good for self esteem.Certainly won’t renew membership.
6
Jane
9 May 2011 11:16
I haven’t subscribed yet either. Just checking it out. The matches that have been sent to me are all older. I didn’t exclusively ask for an older man on my preferences. I can’t remember the last time I dated an older man. Maybe men around my age are only wanting to be matched with women somewhat younger than them so we are not being matched because of their preference. I tend not to go out with someone who is old enough to be my father or someone who I could have mothered
7
eHarmony
9 May 2011 23:47
Hi Jane. You can adjust your prefernces around age (and other factors) in your Match Settings. If you need assistance with this, you can contact our customer care team for free on 1800 707 894 from Monday – Friday (6am-5pm) AEDST and Saturday (9am-3pm) AEDST.
8
Jane
21 May 2011 14:09
Mary has got it in 1. I’m 43 and am consistently being matched with men well into their 50′s & older. As nice as some of these men appear to be, I don’t want to go out with my dad or uncle. I asked for matches 6 years younger / older than me – not 20! Sadly, most of these older men don’t look after themselves as well as women of their age yet seem to believe some younger, bombshell is going to jump on them immediately. Bottom line, it would be nice to be able to make some of these ‘match’ decisions myself. At my age, I’ve got a much better idea of what I’m looking for in a partner than a computer programme does. I don’t think I’ll be re-subscribing when the 3 months is up.
9
eHarmony
23 May 2011 14:39
Hi Jane. I would suggest you adjust the match settings on your profile as this will help match you with men who are in the age bracket you are seeking. If you continue to have issues with this, please contact our customer care team for free on 1800 707 894 from Monday – Friday (6am-5pm) AEDST and Saturday (9am-3pm) AEDST.
10
Vicki
5 June 2011 16:47
I have put my correct age of 61 years and am fit and healthy but get very little response from the men on eHarmony. One man seven years older than me did contact me and we did have two meetings. BUT it is essential that older men who start dating for the first time in years GO TO A MAN’S HAIR SALON AND DEAL WITH THEIR NASAL AND EAR HAIR. BEARDS AND EVEN CHEST HAIR MUST BE SORTED OUT. My last encounter had 5/6 inches of hair peeping through a polo shirt and what with the nasal and ear hair it was not only an enormous turn off it was like dating my Grandfather!!!!!!
11
peter
26 June 2011 11:33
FACT!!!! Not opinon. everyone wants the great looking, wonderful personality match. cant blame any of us for that. Fact is they are all younger than us in most cases. Human instinct is to what we cant have, but if we try harder or accept a bit less, we can still find greatness.
12
Christine
11 July 2011 06:58
I agree with SUE may 2011 – as a 58 yo I feel that guys are not interested in my age group. Whatever age they are they only seem to go for the 40 or early 50 yo. I am a young looking 58 yo and have had no luck even just getting to have a coffee and a meeting. I was on here once before and all was getting were older and much older but also in the country or initerstate, when my choices indicated sydney metro.
13
james
14 July 2011 04:32
I’ve met some beautiful ladies on eharmony, the last one i dated several times was 5 years older(i’m 50) whats the problem? I’m now getting to know another gorgeous woman and we’ve decided to date, we’re all great friends.It isn’t about age it’s about attitude. oh yes i go to the gym everyday.
14
Lyn
24 July 2011 15:51
I don’t know why everybody seems to focus on fitness and appearance. To me, the reason why I want someone near my own age is so they’ll be at a similar stage of life. They’ll have had a certain number of years in the workforce, they’ll be at a certain stage of parenting, they’ll have travelled a bit maybe, gone through a mid-life crisis or not, and they’ll have a few common memories around cultural and historical events like the Beatles’ tour of Australia and the moon landing. This doesn’t mean I choose a really narrow range of ages, but it does keep away from those slightly incestuous inter-generational partnerings.
15
pam
30 July 2011 11:03
I have to agree with Lyn, its about being at the same stage in life, I have young adult kids , no grandkids ( I keep telling my kids too young yet)I do not want someone with young kids to consider or nearing retirement….plus or minus 5 years is a bracket I am most comfortable with..I have tried the cougar thing, not something that tends to last the distance ( from what i see in people I know)I do not want someone my son’s age but believe I am young for my age ( in music taste etc) too much older and we have absolutely nothing in common
16
Skai
3 September 2011 06:46
The trouble is that if one is too flexible one gets sent “flex” matches that are too far away (i.e; Brisbane to Sydney or Cairns)-(Yes! I’ve ‘set’ the distance as important – Tweed Heads; Gympie; Toowoomba). I’ve also found that when I’ve sent a communication to someone that I’m interested in (around my age), I receive no response. I can only assume it is because they are looking for a younger women (I’m 60yr 165cm 62kg have a degree; I’m fit; I’m healthy and worked as a model in my younger days. Not good enough apparently). And what’s with the photo/s some guys post? What are they thinking?
17
Donna
15 September 2011 07:45
It really frustrates me that just because you are a woman, you get sent matches older than you. It is like the assumption is made that women want older men. I am 48 years old and before signing on, have been sent matches up to 64 years of age. It has been enough to make me feel physically sick and as one of the earlier members said:”very demoralising”. Women should date younger men if they want to. On average, women live seven years longer than men do. I feel sad when I see so many widows who have married older men. Also, a woman’s sexual peak is in her early 40′s. For men, it is in their early 20′s. I would like to see more women in middle age therefore having a better and more evenly balanced sex life by meeting guys in their 20′s. Makes a lot more sense biologically. I am sure there will be people reading this who are horrified! It’s about changing attitudes and breaking free from a culture which has been traditionally biased towards the desires of men.
18
Paul
28 September 2011 13:17
Yep, age is a very important factor. I was dating a lady 38, I am 59. I am fit, well groomed, and ok for a 59yo. We enjoyed each other immensely but reality is that she wanted a family and a father who would be young enough to enjoy the kids right up to the 20′s. See where I’m coming from? So, amicably, we separated. As a lovely lady friend said to me, “what is it with you guys and being with younger women.” hmm, probably trying to convince ourselves we are still young, holding back the years? Afraid of being seen as old? But don’t write us off because of a number. Get to know us, we have a lot to offer, as most of us do for each other. I’d date a lady older than me as well, certainly no problems there.
19
Barry Elfverson
9 October 2011 13:08
In some cases age is a factor but that’s one person’s perception (sometimes from photos or words only) and their own image with a potential partner. My brother’s wife is 24 yrs his junior and they have a wonderful partnership. I’m 64 yrs old and no gym junky but I keep myself presentable and I dress for the occasion. Besides age I find that, with some people, one must be endowed with many materialistic things like homes, money and income to ‘enjoy/live’ life and also be able to travel, eg overseas. Some people, for one reason or another, are not fortunate enough to have all those material things deemed ‘important’ by others, and I feel we are somehow less worthy than those financially better off. My philosophy for happiness is that companionship, sharing, love and partnerships etc comes from within the person, not from a house, bank account or the ability to take exotic trips. Those things can give a comfortable lifestyle but so can living rationally, openly, lovingly and sharing within certain means. Finally, some people’s ‘wants’ are narrow minded when seeking a companion or partner – look outside the square, there are good people out there, BOTH older and younger.
20
Grace
21 October 2011 05:21
HI I want to add to this, I used to be on your site but I did not get anyone below 60 years contact me, and believe me many me are going to seed at that age.
I am now 67 years old and can imagine what I would be sent now. It is not your site only it is the generalisation of men. They think it is ok to have someone years younger than themselves but we can’t do it oh no.
21
Chrissie
17 November 2011 12:22
I wrote to customer care and he responded ok but suggested I check out the personal advice forum…. I was miffed and this is what I wrote back to him.
I felt that you were condescending to suggest the fantastic Advice section – getting over your Personal Prejudices you thought I should take a look at. My settings are from experience of my life. Not yours or anyone else’s. I am 46 and do not wish to date a retiree nor do I wish to have to teach another man how to behave so I set my age limits accordingly.
I am taller than the average woman and I like to feel like a woman therefore I like my man to be, at the very least, a little taller than myself so that when I dress up to go out with him and I wear heels (low ones) I do not tower over him. By the way, I hate Tom Cruise. As for the rest, people date who they are more comfortable with, that’s why humans don’t marry animals (although seeing what’s out there I would have to wonder). I have set my preferences to what I feel comfortable with as I know me better than anyone else does. Yes my preferences have changed over the years and no doubt as I change in my views my preferences will also change and I am open to this. But I get annoyed/angry when I state what I want only to have someone else (or a machine) think it knows me better. I prioritised my settings a few weeks back…. and have been doing it over and over again and still getting matches that weren’t within my criteria, that is why I wrote to you. Unless the matches that are being sent to me NOW are from a month ago then I suggest the system get a swift kick in the rear to make it work faster.
This is one woman who is serious in finding the man she wants to settle down with. I spent 20 years with the wrong man only to please everyone else before I finally decided I should be the one who is being made happy by the union and not everyone else. I do not want to make the same mistake ever again. I would rather be alone than in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. And for me to say that I would rather be alone, is a huge thing, believe me – very huge.
Sorry if I come across as being blunt and angry but I do not know of anyone in this world who has tried…. IS trying as hard as I am to find a partner. I am on several websites, and a dating agency. I do not put all my eggs in one basket and I believe that you can’t win the jackpot if you don’t buy a ticket. So I am being as open as I possibly can without forgoing my own wants needs and desires. Again I would rather be alone than in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.
Please excuse me if I have offended you but I felt the need to respond. It is all very easy to give advice but unless you live in that person’s shoes, have lived that person’s life….. ARE that person, then you couldn’t possibly know who or what is right for them. A machine generated test can only do so much….. the rest has to be up to the individual.
Thank you for you reply to my initial request.
Sincerely, Chrissie
22
john
29 November 2011 16:20
hi guys,i think this is a great service your doing,i’m a paid up subscriber and like alot of the matchs you send my,but how do you delete profile’s without having to open them first?say one’s that your not sure about to start with then want to get rid of them,not just archive or close because they’re still there..there should be a delete option without having to open profiles..
23
Joy
3 December 2011 17:31
Age doesn’t matter as long as you love each other, but having said that, I am 51, and am attracted mostly to men around 42…. And what’s with you women that don’t like hair on a man? I love chest hair, face hair etc….maybe not ear and nose hair.
24
Mark
8 December 2011 05:18
I’m 39 with some greying hair. I don’t want to dye, is it such a big deal? I don’t know why I would be attracted to someone 20 years younger but I am. So even though I firmly believe in connecting at a personality level, I’ve got a lot of resistance to even get to the point where someone is going to think along those lines.
25
mac
24 December 2011 00:40
at 52 I get hit on weekly by younger men with no desire to date guys my sons age. Joined EH + had lots of matches age 69-70(I work in a nursing home)! as it seems most men think it’s normal to have a woman 20yrs younger-my daughter thinks that’s creepy unless you’re johnny depp! I changed settings to 6 years younger or older, only get a few matches at midnight every 2 days! is this just a society problem +not EH fault? Is there a few men who want a woman their age? don’t say be more open minded, if there’s nothing wrong with a guy thinking a girl 20 years younger is ok to EH than wanting someone in my age range is ok too! is it a waste to be on EH as a woman in her 50′s? any ideas out there ladies?
26
CJ
6 January 2012 23:52
I’ve been reviewing EH for my daughter, not myself, but read with interest the comments regarding the age differences. I used to use RSVP a few years ago, but am happily remarried now (not through RSVP, though!) My husband is 17 years younger than I (I am 55)and only 5 years older than my eldest child. If I was worried enough, I’d probably take exception to Lyn’s “slight incestuous” comment. Silly really. Once one reaches adulthood and full maturity, the age differences are minimal. Yes, there are things I remember from before my husband was born, but it is an amusing aside, not a problem. Every relationship has its difficulties to overcome. We tick all the important boxes for each other and deal with the downside of our age differences the same as anyone else deals with their relationship downsides. We probably won’t be able to have a long retirement together. I’ll probably die well before he does (but of course, no guarantee!) I may end up really looking like his mother (which I don’t at the moment), but I’ll cross that bridge if and when I come to it. Basically, if everyone worried overly about every potential issue which may arise in a relationship, no-one would take the leap and make a commitment. My take on the age issue is that it seems to be an issue for everyone outside of the relationship, but not for the people inside it.
27
Trace
22 January 2012 00:28
I agree with Lyn and Pam!!!! This is my 3rd attempt at eharmony and nothing has changed. Im matched with old men (10 +), haha and only one of them has contacted me (looked like dad) and the the ones ive contacted around my own age arent interested. Nothing has changed! Just have to face the fact single life is for me!
28
Caroline
31 January 2012 03:12
I have just subscribed to one month on EH to see what it is like. So far I have met one guy my age that I even have an inkling for (39).
I have no problem meeting guys to date outside but tend to attract much younger men, as I’m told I look 10 years younger than my age. However, the guys responding on here are looking like 50 at 40. I specified I want Fit and Active and that physical attraction is important to me. Is it that a lot of men on here are in denial as to what actually constitutes “fit and active”? I don’t know, but I would rather just be able to delete the profiles I don’t want to respond to when they are not what I am looking for and yes I can tell by most photos. I have so much communication sitting in my inbox that I have no intention of responding too. Thank you to the men (it really is flattering) but I just don’t want to waste my time with matches I don’t feel even come close to what I have specified.
29
Katie
10 February 2012 12:03
Well it really is a mans world Im just trying this out on the free weekend and so far most of the men I have been matched with are older, a couple the same age. I really think that people should get real, ie, go for 4 yrs either way of your age, because otherwise it ends up a generation gap, Why is it that men think its ok to date younger women but if women date younger men then we’re called all sorts of things, I say whats good for the Goose is good for the Gander, alls fair in love and war