Relationship Advice

There is one reason why I have not paid for any subscription with you people and that is your matches seemingly inflexibilty with that. I does not appear to be able by myself to find a match. Age differences in choosing a partner is up to the person browsing not to you and your ideas! If you can show me how I can pick a partner on my own, there may be a greater chance to have me as a paid member.

Klaus Lietz

6 stars

I think age is a factor. A friend once told me a woman in her 50s is invisible – now I know that is true!!
I have had several closures and very few contacts so regret signing up for this service.Not good for self esteem.Certainly won’t renew membership.

FACT!!!! Not opinon. everyone wants the great looking, wonderful personality match. cant blame any of us for that. Fact is they are all younger than us in most cases. Human instinct is to what we cant have, but if we try harder or accept a bit less, we can still find greatness.

I’ve met some beautiful ladies on eharmony, the last one i dated several times was 5 years older(i’m 50) whats the problem? I’m now getting to know another gorgeous woman and we’ve decided to date, we’re all great friends.It isn’t about age it’s about attitude. oh yes i go to the gym everyday.

I have to agree with Lyn, its about being at the same stage in life, I have young adult kids , no grandkids ( I keep telling my kids too young yet)I do not want someone with young kids to consider or nearing retirement….plus or minus 5 years is a bracket I am most comfortable with..I have tried the cougar thing, not something that tends to last the distance ( from what i see in people I know)I do not want someone my son’s age but believe I am young for my age ( in music taste etc) too much older and we have absolutely nothing in common

It really frustrates me that just because you are a woman, you get sent matches older than you. It is like the assumption is made that women want older men. I am 48 years old and before signing on, have been sent matches up to 64 years of age. It has been enough to make me feel physically sick and as one of the earlier members said:”very demoralising”. Women should date younger men if they want to. On average, women live seven years longer than men do. I feel sad when I see so many widows who have married older men. Also, a woman’s sexual peak is in her early 40′s. For men, it is in their early 20′s. I would like to see more women in middle age therefore having a better and more evenly balanced sex life by meeting guys in their 20′s. Makes a lot more sense biologically. I am sure there will be people reading this who are horrified! It’s about changing attitudes and breaking free from a culture which has been traditionally biased towards the desires of men.

In some cases age is a factor but that’s one person’s perception (sometimes from photos or words only) and their own image with a potential partner. My brother’s wife is 24 yrs his junior and they have a wonderful partnership. I’m 64 yrs old and no gym junky but I keep myself presentable and I dress for the occasion. Besides age I find that, with some people, one must be endowed with many materialistic things like homes, money and income to ‘enjoy/live’ life and also be able to travel, eg overseas. Some people, for one reason or another, are not fortunate enough to have all those material things deemed ‘important’ by others, and I feel we are somehow less worthy than those financially better off. My philosophy for happiness is that companionship, sharing, love and partnerships etc comes from within the person, not from a house, bank account or the ability to take exotic trips. Those things can give a comfortable lifestyle but so can living rationally, openly, lovingly and sharing within certain means. Finally, some people’s ‘wants’ are narrow minded when seeking a companion or partner – look outside the square, there are good people out there, BOTH older and younger.

I wrote to customer care and he responded ok but suggested I check out the personal advice forum…. I was miffed and this is what I wrote back to him.
I felt that you were condescending to suggest the fantastic Advice section – getting over your Personal Prejudices you thought I should take a look at. My settings are from experience of my life. Not yours or anyone else’s. I am 46 and do not wish to date a retiree nor do I wish to have to teach another man how to behave so I set my age limits accordingly.

I am taller than the average woman and I like to feel like a woman therefore I like my man to be, at the very least, a little taller than myself so that when I dress up to go out with him and I wear heels (low ones) I do not tower over him. By the way, I hate Tom Cruise. As for the rest, people date who they are more comfortable with, that’s why humans don’t marry animals (although seeing what’s out there I would have to wonder). I have set my preferences to what I feel comfortable with as I know me better than anyone else does. Yes my preferences have changed over the years and no doubt as I change in my views my preferences will also change and I am open to this. But I get annoyed/angry when I state what I want only to have someone else (or a machine) think it knows me better. I prioritised my settings a few weeks back…. and have been doing it over and over again and still getting matches that weren’t within my criteria, that is why I wrote to you. Unless the matches that are being sent to me NOW are from a month ago then I suggest the system get a swift kick in the rear to make it work faster.

This is one woman who is serious in finding the man she wants to settle down with. I spent 20 years with the wrong man only to please everyone else before I finally decided I should be the one who is being made happy by the union and not everyone else. I do not want to make the same mistake ever again. I would rather be alone than in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. And for me to say that I would rather be alone, is a huge thing, believe me – very huge.

Sorry if I come across as being blunt and angry but I do not know of anyone in this world who has tried…. IS trying as hard as I am to find a partner. I am on several websites, and a dating agency. I do not put all my eggs in one basket and I believe that you can’t win the jackpot if you don’t buy a ticket. So I am being as open as I possibly can without forgoing my own wants needs and desires. Again I would rather be alone than in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.

Please excuse me if I have offended you but I felt the need to respond. It is all very easy to give advice but unless you live in that person’s shoes, have lived that person’s life….. ARE that person, then you couldn’t possibly know who or what is right for them. A machine generated test can only do so much….. the rest has to be up to the individual.

Thank you for you reply to my initial request.

Sincerely, Chrissie

Age doesn’t matter as long as you love each other, but having said that, I am 51, and am attracted mostly to men around 42…. And what’s with you women that don’t like hair on a man? I love chest hair, face hair etc….maybe not ear and nose hair.

at 52 I get hit on weekly by younger men with no desire to date guys my sons age. Joined EH + had lots of matches age 69-70(I work in a nursing home)! as it seems most men think it’s normal to have a woman 20yrs younger-my daughter thinks that’s creepy unless you’re johnny depp! I changed settings to 6 years younger or older, only get a few matches at midnight every 2 days! is this just a society problem +not EH fault? Is there a few men who want a woman their age? don’t say be more open minded, if there’s nothing wrong with a guy thinking a girl 20 years younger is ok to EH than wanting someone in my age range is ok too! is it a waste to be on EH as a woman in her 50′s? any ideas out there ladies?

I agree with Lyn and Pam!!!! This is my 3rd attempt at eharmony and nothing has changed. Im matched with old men (10 +), haha and only one of them has contacted me (looked like dad) and the the ones ive contacted around my own age arent interested. Nothing has changed! Just have to face the fact single life is for me!

Well it really is a mans world Im just trying this out on the free weekend and so far most of the men I have been matched with are older, a couple the same age. I really think that people should get real, ie, go for 4 yrs either way of your age, because otherwise it ends up a generation gap, Why is it that men think its ok to date younger women but if women date younger men then we’re called all sorts of things, I say whats good for the Goose is good for the Gander, alls fair in love and war

I am very picky with ages. If I am interested in a man and his age preference is from 18 and he is over 40 I find it hard not to judge him.

I am sick of the defensive argument that age doesn’t matter. Yes it does, men in their 40′s and 50′s who want women 20/30 years younger than they are, are not living in reality.

And men AND women who lie about their age. I went on a date with a man who had 49 on his profile and he showed up and I could tell he was closer to 60 I confronted him nicely about it and he was very offended that I thought he was older, but the hands never lie and he was 59,..lol I am 45 and I find men my age want a housewife and younger men want a lover and friend. I am not old enough to be your mother and housewife, i want to be your lover and friend. Women my age are experienced, loving, confident and open to new experiences. we are worth looking at.

I have not experienced any problem with the age range of matches I am notified of by eHarmony, whatever age settings I apply, the matches all comply with those settings. I mean the age matching system works, if you can figure out how to set your settings correctly. Currently I am 55, and the age setting I use is from 46 to 56.

My last (ex-?) girlfriend is about to turn 50, her chestnut hair first started going white when she was 17. It has now been totally white for years. My own hair has only started going white at the edges in the last 5 years or so. Most of the hair on my head is still brown.

I only half understand why older men usually prefer much younger women (=sex). However, there are older women out there (and I mean even some of those women 10 or 15 years older than me) who still are as interested in sex as men usually are.

My own concern with younger women is that I will probably die long before they do, and what happens to her for her life after that ?

I have not met any matches (of 50 or 60 persons matched with me in 15 months non-financial membership), most of the matches appear to have much about them that recommends themselves to me. I wish I knew more about how their (patented) matching system generates matches.

I also am pretty sure that almost none of my matches ever look at my profile. Which I find rather a strange circumstance, why did they bother to join in the first place if they do not check/view the profiles of the persons they are matched with ?

In a few last months I had communication only with one person! When I try to make a first move myself, nobody even reply. I regret sining up for the service. And I am really good looking woman. I guess my east european background or me having tinager child is not liked by eharmony members. There is no other explanation.

I agree with Lyn and Pam, I am looking for a man about my age (53) maybe 3-4 years older, max! But Sue is right: women in their 50s are invisible to men their age…. No one my age responds and I am a young, attractive, fit 53.

And it gets worse if you want someone in a similar financial situation. e.g. Older men with money can “afford” those much younger women and they know it!

As an experiment I expanded my age restrictions and guess what? The 60 + age group is after me big time.

But age DOES matter to me. I have stopped making communication efforts with the men my age and am going to sit back and see what happens next.

Finally, Janet is right: What is up with that photo?! It is like a slap in the face. We want parity, not charity!

So… I’d consider myself a young-minded, intelligent and reasonably fit early 40-something male who happens to be attracted to women in their late ’20′s or early ’30′s. Does that instantly make me creepy? I find this societal pressure is just so freakin’… binary. It isn’t that black and white. People have these things call “feelings” – science would likely class this as a bio-chemo-physiological response, but I’d beg to differ.

I’m not expressly looking to meet someone in their late ’20′s, but I find my interests seem to be more aligned with prospective partners who fall within that age group. For me, it’s not merely physical attraction, it’s general interests.

I’d argue the notion that I’m being unrealistic – I’m merely drawn to what I ‘feel’ is physically and emotionally right for me personally.

Having lost 25 kilos due to a fitness regime I now stick with, I am also literally physically the fittest I’ve been in years. Why should I limit my opportunities to women in my age group – even more so when none of appear to share my interests?

That there’s still a “right” age for a man to be dating a woman, seems nothing more than an old school notion dictated by society and it’s a notion that definitely needs to change. We’re trying to conform to a notion that is slowly losing social relevance as people live longer.

@Caroline. why don’t you put the guys out of there misery and close them instead of leaving them hanging. It will all so free up your in box. As to the age question do what makes you happy. For me I want kids so the older ladies are out. As to the bitching about the service it’s not perfect but compared to Zoosk it good all I got on that site was con artists.

I agree age is important especially when the guys contacting you are the same age as your parents…its kind of grosses you out no matter how fit they are because in 20 or 30 years they will need a bed pan and you will be stuck with an old person….and by then its too late cause if you put them in a home your a cow…

Better to date closer to your age…

It’s pathetic and gross to see older men and woman pursuing girls and guys much younger than them. Get over yourself and accept your age. Of course younger people are more physically attractive, which makes you less physically attractive. Think about it!

I’ve been on this and other dating sites and I find this one the most annoying and restricting. I object to both parties having to pay to make contact as I think this is really greedy of eharmony. It certainly limits the number of actual contacts you have because it’s pointless contacting someone who can’t reply. There’s not even any way that you can see whether they are paid up members. When my current fees run out I will be deleting my profile and have made a point of telling others not to consider eharmony. With regard to men, I think many are just serial dating trolls and get their kicks from seeing how many contacts they get. You can see many of them on a number of different sites and they never seem to leave. I have been on here a couple of times over several years with a new profile the second time and I’ve been sent the same men from several years ago who have the same profile and photos as before. The whole notion of dating sites is becoming flawed and where once, genuine people used it as an alternative to meet others, there are now a lot of players and people trying to boost their egos without any honest intentions.

I agree with Suzy. I used to think eharmony was safe but there are lots of players and scammers using it too. i almost was a victim. computerised matching is a very restrictive way to meet someone. once you pay you should be able to browse. i’m despairing of meeting anyone this way. the profiles of the men are egotistical and full of amazing requirements. the older guys are bitter but they think they are phenomenal. they are usually broke and yes, they have prominent nasal hair, poor teeth and health issues. they are going to die long before me, but luckily they’ll die feeling confident and wonderful …

I think age makes a difference on the computer, not in real life.
On a computer profile, a person reads about you, they don’t experience you.
People would be more successful in a room together, where age doesn’t come up for a while, but personality and attraction shines instantly.
Personally, I’m 39yo and mostly find men to be in their all-round prime when they’re around my age or up to 10 years younger.
I think age is relative.
You are the youngest today that you will ever be again. Don’t forget that. Embrace it!

I’m a 39 year old female who looks considerably younger. I really like taking care of my appearance and health. I wouldn’t mind having a relationship with someone 10 years older, but why are they so unkept? I just haven’t met anyone older who I find attractive. Then, men my age are still trying to pull chicks in their 20s. What am I to do?