18 July 2012
Do you believe you will find love?
by Fran Creffield
It might seem like a strange question but you would be surprised how many people say no, here we look at some of the reasons why.
Even people who are actively engaged in the process – subscribed to eHarmony, contacting matches, going on dates – when they ask themselves this question, and answer honestly, they find that in their heart they don’t really believe that it will ever happen for them.
Sometimes this belief is the result of past experiences which have left them deeply wounded and sceptical about the whole business of love but sometimes this belief comes from some deeply held thoughts which, if challenged, could change their outlook completely.
Doomed to a life alone
There are some people who just don’t believe they will ever find love. This core belief will mean that even if there is a perfect match right in front of them they won’t recognise it. It is a pessimistic attitude but also a defence mechanism which stops people from getting too close because they are scared to be seen. People like this may go on lots of dates but they always find them lacking; or they may do things to sabotage the date themselves like turning up really late or getting drunk on a first date.
The question that needs to be asked is why? Why do they think they will be on their own forever? Do they really believe that they are unlovable or that there is no-one at all that would be compatible with them? If so why are they bothering to go through the process of trying to find someone?
If every time you sit down at your computer to review your matches you think ‘What’s the point?’ it may be that you fall into this category. It is worth exploring the question because when you start to unpick some of the beliefs which are holding you back you will probably start to enjoy the dating process a whole lot more. Everyone, no matter what their size, colour, background or situation can find love – believing that is the vital first step towards making it happen.
Happily ever after
A common myth that is passed to us when we are very small through fairy stories is that when you do find love you will be happy forever after. This isn’t true. If you suffered from low moods when you were single the chances are that you will still suffer from them when you are in a couple. No-one can make you happy. Happiness comes from the inside out not the other way round. Being in love also doesn’t stop the normal problems in life from arising – people still get sick and lose their jobs, the only difference is that you will have a partner by your side to support you.
If you are looking for a perfect love then you are probably going to be disappointed because human beings aren’t perfect – we all have faults and even the happiest of couples will have difficult times. The trick is to be able to weather any difficulties together rather than end the relationship because you take problems as a sign that it is not working – or the fact that you are not happy as a sign that your partner is failing as a boy/girlfriend – problems and unhappiness are a part of life – we wouldn’t appreciate the light if we hadn’t experienced the dark. It is often when couples have been through a rough patch that their relationship gets deeper and more meaningful.
Is it too much like hard work?
One of the most common blocks people have when it comes to relationships is the belief that it has to be intense hard work which will inevitably lead to heartache and disappointment. This belief often arises from a combination of a pessimistic attitude and being surrounded by couples who have high drama relationships. The couples who are living lives of happy contentment are not making the headlines or being talked about by the neighbours so you may not realise just how much more common it is for relationships to work well. When relationships are happy, and healthy, the people in them report feeling stronger, more able to cope with problems, healthier and more fulfilled in their life as a whole. These relationships are not hard work; they are natural and flow along smoothly overcoming hurdles as they arise.
What you believe about relationships will affect your belief about whether you can, or want to, find one for yourself. Let go of the past and be open to embracing a new and happier future.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. Eleanor Roosevelt