21 June 2012
Getting beyond the photo
by Fran Creffield
Most people sift through their matches and decide whether to read a profile based on whether they like the person’s photo. You may need to look beyond that if you want to find your perfect match.
It is sad but true – after all that time filling in the questionnaire and your About Me profile, thinking carefully about what to say and how to say it – that when your details land in someone’s inbox as a potential match they could take one look at your profile photo and dismiss you immediately if they don’t like it. It sounds harsh but it is how most people select matches – only reading the profiles of those that they find physically attractive. Not only is this unfair but when matches are rejected on the basis of the photo alone the chances of success in finding a compatible partner is seriously limited for everyone.
A different approach
eHarmony is different from other dating sites. The system, which has been used successfully for over 12 years, is meant to eliminate the laborious task of trawling through page after page of profile photos. The technology at the heart of eHarmony is built upon the work of Dr Neil Clark Warren. He spent 35 years researching the differences between couples who were in happy, healthy, loving relationships and those that were unhappy together. He concluded that there are certain key characteristics that made people compatible and therefore more likely to stay happily together. These things included their values, intellect, and sense of humour and it is these characteristics that the personality questionnaire is designed to elicit.
When you are sent matches from eHarmony they have been matched with you on these core characteristics. Even though the photo may not be instantly appealing to you, it is only a photo and if you met the person face to face you may just find them attractive and could develop a good basis for a relationship. The selection process has worked successfully for thousands of couples and it is meant to do the hard work for you.
Attraction
While it important that you find a partner physically attractive it is not possible to tell from a photograph whether you will or not. Physical attraction is made up of more than just what the eye can see. How someone smells, their mannerisms, their way of relating to others and their personality are all part of the whole package that makes us find someone attractive. If you never get beyond the photo you will never find out how attractive a person really is.
Adjust your settings
Sometimes people start using photos to select profiles they are interested in simply because they get so many matches that they couldn’t possibly read them all. If you get too many matches go back onto your profile and adjust your settings. Change your ‘Must haves’ and ‘Can’t stands’ so they are less vague and more specific; adjust the age range you are happy to date in – this is your chance to find someone who is exactly right for you and the more specific you can be about what you want, the better chance there is that the matches you get will all be good prospects.
Reading profiles
The majority of profiles get skimmed over when someone has a spare two minutes in their busy day. If you are really committed to the process of finding a new partner it is important to set some time aside each week to read as many of the matches you have received that week as possible. When we read information on a computer screen we are much more likely to skim read it. If possible, print out the profiles of any matches that you have received that week and resolve to read them properly when you have time and are relaxed and comfortable with no other distractions.
Making contact
In traditional dating it might be seen as rude to be getting to know more than one person at a time but in the world of online dating not only is it acceptable, it is encouraged. The more people you make contact with, the better. From the matches you have read select two or three to make contact with each week even if they don’t seem ‘perfect’ on paper. If they return your contact then move onto meeting face to face as soon as possible. By meeting them in person you will have a more realistic idea of whether you find them physically attractive than and you will be sure that you ore not overlooking someone who could be the perfect match for you.
Dating is like most things in life – the more you put in the more you will get out.
1
bibi guerrisi
15 July 2012 10:03
It’s shocking what I’m experiencing in all my dates with members of e-harmony! How could they show pics 10-15 yrs old? Please explain that it’s a loss of time and energy for everybody pretending false age and images!
I’m sick of it, I give up.
2
Gail
17 July 2012 04:02
I like the article, everyone is tempted to weed out potential partners using their photos. I’ve certainly been guilty. The irony is that I am notorious for taking terrible photos. I’m very active and that does not seem to translate well to a static shot.
I love the idea of reducing my matches to more manageable (less daunting) numbers but disagree that changing your settings can do it. I seem to constantly get people from outside my preferred geographical area and from a wider age range than my preference. Maybe eHarmony needs to adjust their settings too!
3
Julie
17 July 2012 05:11
I found this article most useful had not thought of contacting serveral persons at the same time.
4
Sarah
22 September 2012 22:42
Yes, above is good advice. However I was advised to widen my search criteria. I now have so many people contacting me I’m getting a little lost. What should I do.,.
5
Mike D
23 October 2012 12:09
I can only speak from a male user’s perspective, but compared to my online dating experience, complaining about receiving too much interest seems a little inappreciative to me.
I don’t pretend to be modest, but I say the following as earnestly as I can:
I’m in my early 20′s, lean and athletic, and have been told I’m handsome. I’m intelligent, articulate, love to laugh, value my family and my beloved dog. I am in my final year of tertiary education, financially secure, am confident, very honest and trustworthy, genuine, friendly, sociable.. etc..
I have over 200 questions answered, a fully completed profile, and a variety of photos which I handpicked to show me most favourably in several different settings.
Yet I have received only three (3!) contacts initiated by women so far.
Now, it could be that I’m not what women my age are seeking, but I would suggest that three is a pretty measily result for someone who at least claims to have the aforementioned qualities..
So, ladies, next time you find yourself flicking briefly through the photos of a large range of possible suitors in the 2 mins/week you allocate to logging on to whichever dating site it may happen to be.. spare a thought for each of those guys who are trying to get your attention against the frequently disproportionate men:women ratio.
6
Mark
20 November 2012 09:52
I am inclined to agree with Mike D and his comments.
I am older, have fully completed my profile, answered all the questions and provided a variety of photos that not less that 18mths old.
I too have only had contact with 3 ladies which they initiated. I have tried to initiate contact with several ladies but have had no response. The one thing I can say from experience with all dating sites and with the whole dating scene, is that 1, there are no guarantees of a response or attraction from the person you are trying to make contact with, 2, most people with have baggage that they need to deal with like the fear of getting hurt again and thus although on these sites will not try to make or return contact due to fear, 3, these sites ask everyone to be honest with themselves when completing the profile but how many of us are? 4, I am also guilty of veiwing profiles by photos only but I try to make an effort to read all the profiles. And as for changing the settings, this I believe is only narrowing the filter to reduce the amount of profiles you receive but if you are honest with the types of selctions you would be happy to meet then why change your settings.
Why reduce the size of the net to see the catch available when the saying is that there are plenty of fish out there for everyone.
7
Jeannine
24 November 2012 12:32
I know I’ve only been on eharmony for 4 days, but after 29 matches,only 1 has contacted me, I wrote back and never got a reply. I have asked a few to show their photo, but have been ignored. Why go on these things if you don’t want to show your face. I thought I looked just fine in my photo, but by the silence from the matches, obviously not.when will people learn that the beautiful images on tv are only make believe. Try the real deal for a change.
8
Michael
23 March 2013 19:51
I’m shock to see how judgemental people are. The problem is we get many matches and nobody ever read profile (my matches don’t read). It is a website base on look. If you take out photos, get to know the person first then decide.