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Relationship answers: why women don’t return calls

by Eharmony Editorial Team - December 8, 2010

We’ve covered why men don’t return calls, so now we turn our attention to women. Here are 5 reasons why they don’t call back and, more importantly, what you can do about it.

It’s not just women who wonder why the opposite sex doesn’t call back – men have the same problems too. Here are 5 reasons why women don’t return calls from men. Some might be surprising, some might be ‘well, duh!’ moments – all are important to know.

1. You were too full on

Picture the scene – it’s the end of a perfectly lovely date and it’s time to say goodbye . What happens next? Do you feel like you have to seal the deal with a kiss and an impassioned plea for her to call you and arrange another date? Or do you take her lead and go with a hug and a comment about what a nice time you had? If you chose the former, you may well have hit upon why your last date didn’t call you back.

Women want someone who’s interested but not needy, affectionate but not invading their personal space. If a woman feels she’s under pressure to get back in touch with you – whether that’s because you went for an ill-timed kiss, or over-emphasised how much you would like to see her again – then it’s likely she won’t call you back. Next time, dial it down a notch.

We’re not saying come across as aloof and detached, just keep in mind that this is a chance to get to know someone new, not a marriage proposal.

2. She was being nice

Women are nice. Men are nice too, but women tend to be people pleasers. She may have had a nice time with you, she may have happily taken your number, and she may even have said she’d call you, but she may just have been trying to save your ego. We tend to assume that telling someone to their face we’re not interested is harder for them than just not getting in touch after the event. In reality, it’s that it’s easier for us, so we put off the inevitable.

There is, unfortunately, little you can do about this. One action you can take is to be completely honest with yourself. Ask yourself if she was truly engaged with what you had to say or, if she was really just smiling and nodding?’ Did she really want to go on for another drink, or did she keep looking at her watch the whole time? Don’t let your enthusiasm cloud your judgement of the situation.

3. She’s met someone else

In the world of modern dating, people often date multiple people at one time. Unfortunately, whether or not you think this is ok is irrelevant. Though if you want some advice on the subject, check out our article on ‘Should you date someone who’s seeing other people?’

It’s traditionally accepted that men are more likely to date around but with the advent of internet dating the sexes are more equal in their approach to meeting a partner. And when people are time poor they may decide to date American-style – i.e. multiple dates with multiple people, perhaps even on the same night. Her desire for you may have been eclipsed by her desire for the guy she sees the next night. It’s not fair, but all you can do is be the best you can be on the date. Then, if it doesn’t work out at least you know that you relationship wouldn’t have worked out either.

4. You talked about your ex

Many sites these days – especially ones like eHarmony that attract members looking for a more serious, long-term relationship – have a significant number of divorced singles. We think it’s great when divorced people take that leap back into dating. But, it’s important to be aware that talking about an ex-partner on a date (other than simply mentioning them in passing) is a HUGE no-no for most women.

Hearing an otherwise very appealing date talk about their evil, or perhaps even wonderful, ex is an instant mood killer. It makes your date feel like you’re not interested in them, and potentially not even over your ex. Shelve the romantic history conversation for another time if you want to hear from her again.

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5.    She expects you to call her

After all your hand-wringing and hair-tearing about why she hasn’t called, maybe you should consider calling her. After all, she could be shy, she could have lost your number, or she may just think that you weren’t interested enough. Whatever her reason – and yes it could be that she’s not interested – what do you have to lose in giving her a call? If she says she’s not interested, is that really much worse than beating yourself up about the unknown?

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No woman with her head screwed on properly is going to shout you down for giving her a call. In fact, she’ll be flattered, even if she’s not interested, and she’ll let you down as gently as possible. But who says she won’t be interested?