A young woman walks away from her male partner, who beseeches her to stay

3 reasons love isn’t always enough

by Eharmony Editorial Team - May 11, 2011

They said they were in love with you, and yet they still broke up with you. Here are 3 situations where love isn’t always enough.

Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that once the other person in the relationship has said ‘I love you’ then everything will be ok. But sometimes we’re wrong. You can think that everything is going great when suddenly the other person tells you they’re unhappy, and it’s over.

This kind of thing can hit you like a bolt from the blue, but there are often very simple reasons why someone might do this. Here we pick three of the most common reasons why someone may just love you and then leave you, and how you can stop them happening to you…

1.     They feel like you’re trying to fix or change them
One of the biggest mistakes people make in a relationship is trying to fix the other person. In the early stages of a relationship it’s easy to gloss over those little things that could annoy you about the other person. Maybe you think they’re just a little bit too lazy, or needy, but in the honeymoon period it doesn’t matter.

However, as the gloss starts to fade you find those little habits or traits beginning to annoy you, and you decide to ‘fix’ your partner. Unfortunately this usually has the opposite effect. The more your suggestions seem to fall on deaf ears, the more you protest and the more your partner pulls away – a vicious cycle.

All isn’t lost. Firstly, it’s important to remember you should NEVER enter a relationship thinking you can change someone. You must have total acceptance from the start. However, if there is something you want to help your partner improve upon then it must come from within. Only they can make that change, but as their partner you can really help them.

2.    They can’t handle intense emotion
Emotions, instead of being like the steady trickle of a river, can build up and then rage like a broken dam. Or in other words, sometimes we let things build up inside, and when we release our partners are on the receiving end. If your partner isn’t sure how to handle these emotions – something many people have difficulty with – they might feel overwhelmed and want to escape.

The answer is to avoid this rage of emotions by learning to talk about certain subjects when you have thought them through become calm yourself. That way you will avoid offloading all your emotion onto your partner who will in turn be less inclined to feel trapped.

3.    They fear loss of freedom
Everyone at some point in their lives fears the loss of their freedom. Whether it’s committing to a personal training session (and being told what to do!) or having a jittery moment before walking down the aisle, a promise or a commitment can be a scary thing to make.

If the make-up of your relationship is one where negative things happen on a regular basis – arguments, misunderstandings – then the other person may start to question why they should make this commitment to you. However, if you have lots of positive elements to your relationship your partner will see what’s to be gained from the relationship, rather than just focusing on the fear of of losing their freedom.