3 lies you need to stop telling yourself about dating

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It is easy to look at other people and believe they have no nerves or self doubt when it comes to dating. In truth they are probably just as nervous about the whole process but they have developed strategies for casting their doubts aside and carrying on regardless. Their doubts and insecurities haven’t become beliefs and are not stopping them from looking for the relationship they want. Here we look at some of the most common beliefs holding people back.

I will never find love

If you believe this it doesn’t matter how good your profile is or how many dates you go on it will stop you from recognising a good opportunity even when they are sitting right in front of you. Underneath this belief there often lies a deeper fear – that you are not lovable. It is hard if you have a string of broken relationships or have never really felt loved and secure with someone, but that doesn’t mean that you never will – it just hasn’t happened yet.

Before you can find love you have to change your belief and start to entertain the possibility that it can, and will, happen for you. This involves challenging your own negativity and focusing on all the times you have been loved and appreciated in the past – by friends, family, colleagues etc. More than that, you have to start believing that you are worth loving – tackling issues that are holding you back and finding things that are great about you. If you don’t think much of yourself it will be hard to believe that any one else ever will.

I don’t deserve any better

There are millions of people in the world and it is perfectly possible to get into a relationship tomorrow if you are more concerned with being in a relationship than in the quality of that relationship. The dating process can take time because like any big decision in life it needs careful consideration before you decide to let someone into your life. You have criteria that you are looking for, qualities and characteristics of the person that you want to invite to share all that you have to give in a relationship.

Unfortunately when someone’s self esteem is low their list of criteria for a partner might also be on the thin side and they are vulnerable to allowing anyone who shows an interest in them into their life even if they don’t treat them very well. It would be better, and safer, to tackle any underlying issues first before entering the dating scene because even though people may think that having a new partner will make them feel better about themselves they may attract the wrong kind of relationship which could do even more damage. Hold out for what you want and do the work necessary to help you believe that you deserve it.

I can change this person or their behaviours

This is one of the most common beliefs that has led to thousands of unhappy marriages. As one woman said ‘I loved him straight away, he was everything I wanted to change in a man.’ We shouldn’t judge a book by its cover and it is essential when we are building relationships that we see that people are made up of more than just who they are today – their ambitions, dreams and desires are also part of who they are and often what makes them attractive. There is a balance to be struck though. Someone can talk a good talk about how bright and enticing their future is going to be but there needs to be something solid in the present for you to fall in love with. Don’t fall for what someone could be but for who they are today, dreams may not come true no matter how much help and support you give them to make them a reality.

The same applies to habits like smoking, drinking, gambling or overeating – many people have fallen for the belief that if they just loved this person enough or gave them the support they needed then they will change. Don’t compromise on your ‘can’t stands’ or ‘must have’s’ not matter how enticing the dream of the future is – your relationship exists in the here and now.


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