5 pieces of dating advice you SHOULDN’T take (or give!)

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Whether we are single or in a couple there is an abundance of advice books and articles to help us get, maintain and enjoy healthy relationships. There will always be a market for this type of advice, especially when it comes to the world of dating, mainly because it is a potential minefield where insecurities and fears abound and everyone wants to know how to do it ‘right’.

As with all aspects of human relationships each one is unique and while much of the advice available may be helpful – as we hope our advice pages are – there is some that you would be better not to take. Here are some examples!

#1: Don’t be too available

According to ‘The Rules -Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right’  a self-help book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider the key for success in the dating arena is based on not being too available to any potential partner in the belief that they will value the time they have with you more.

Under this guise they suggest that you wait a few days before returning calls; never accept last minute dates or booty calls and that (if you are a woman) you should never make the first move. The rules have been revised for the modern digital generation but they still hold to this fundamental principal.

No-one wants their date to think that they are waiting desperately for contact because they have nothing else going on in their life but playing too hard to get can quickly backfire. If you wait 2 or 3 days to reply to a message then your date may assume that you aren’t interested and move on to someone who is. By all means take your time to think about what you want to say but the important thing is to be natural and not stick to some prescribed agenda because that could come across as game playing.

#2: Only show what you want them to see

Dishonesty at any point in a developing relationship is unlikely to get you the results you want. If you deliberately withhold details about important aspects of your life or situation like whether you have children, are married or your age you are not allowing the person you are dating to get to know the real you.

When they find out the truth – which they invariably will – they are likely to be hurt and annoyed that you kept such vital information from them. Even if you have been getting on really well this lack of trust in the formative stages of a relationship can cause irreparable damage and may prevent the relationship from continuing. If someone can’t accept you as you are then maybe they aren’t the right person for you.

#3: Play your (emotional) cards close to your chest

Some people advise that it is better to keep your feelings to yourself when you are dating and never allow your date to know if you really like them –‘treat them mean to keep them keen’. Again this involves a level of dishonesty and while it may not be a good idea to say the ‘love’ word too soon it is also not good to deliberately withhold your affection, enthusiasm or desire to see the person again.

Openness is an important part of developing a connection and when you meet someone where the feeling is mutual you will encourage them to share their feelings with you if you are open about yours.

#4: Don’t date anyone you aren’t immediately attracted to

When you first meet someone nerves, circumstances and expectations can all make the first date awkward and a long way from the romantic image of instant attraction but this shouldn’t put you off – relationships don’t come ready made, they take time to build. A terrible first date could mean that the second one is much easier and over time you will get more natural and comfortable with each other.

Don’t be too rigid in your expectations of what ‘the one’ will look like or how you will feel when you meet them – it is often these fantasy expectations which stop people from recognising a really good prospect even when they are sitting right in front of them.

#5: Don’t apologise or explain

Sometimes people think it’s ok to treat people on dating sites in a rude or dismissive way as though they aren’t real people who have feelings. While you don’t have to justify your decision to cut contact or refuse a date do always be polite and courteous and treat people as you would like to be treated yourself

 


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