Belinda’s journey Part 2: Are you date-ready?

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In part 2 of her blog series, eharmony member Belinda shares insights from her Date Ready journey with psychologist and dating coach Melanie Schilling. Through some self-reflecting exercises she was able to realise what’s important to her in a partner and how to start moving towards a relationship.

I have now completed Module One of the DATEready program and I would like to share my learnings with you. The first task I had to complete was called How DATEready are you? This involved some self-reflection and being completely honest with myself. The idea being that by learning to love and appreciate myself, I will be in a stronger position to enter into a great relationship.

First of all, I had to evaluate where I was on the ‘DATEready ladder,’ then work through the reasons why I was on that step, and what I needed to do to get where I wanted to be on the ladder. A part of this was a mindfulness task involving relaxation and meditation techniques. It really got me thinking about my overall satisfaction in all areas of my life. I then focussed on my character strengths and lastly completed a ‘relationship audit’ to ensure I surrounded myself with only positive influences.

After completing Module One, I have managed to put together a very specific list of traits and qualities that I seek in my ideal mate and I thought I would share them with you.

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It got me thinking about my pattern of dating. I had a pretty easy time meeting men but none of them wanted to stick around for very long. Those relationships were fraught with inconsistency and drama. I kept asking, “Why does this keep happening to me?” That is where the DATEready program got me to sit down and write out my relationship values. What is important to me in a relationship? I won’t list all of mine but it read something like this: passion, variety, freedom, independence, excitement and spice. I gave myself plenty of time to relax, take deep breaths, and really think hard about each decision while listing everything out.

I was then required to think about and list my deal-breakers in a relationship. There is not one definite number of deal breakers you can list, but around ten is a good number to have. Here are mine:

  • Not wanting children

  • Grooms too much or not enough

  • Smoking

  • Laziness

  • Too needy

  • Lacking a sense of humour

  • Distance

  • Bad grammar

  • Lack of hygiene

  • Excessive drinking

  • Lying

  • Jealously

  • Infidelity

  • Lack of ambition

  • Lack of emotional empathy and affection

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Then of course, there are the traits you really want from a partner. Once again, I thought I would share mine to give you an idea of what is important to me:

  • Open to being influenced by his partner

  • Comes from a loving family

  • Emotionally intelligent

  • Patient

  • Has integrity

  • Compassionate

  • Clean and hygienic

  • Loving and loyal

  • Thoughtful and generous

  • Fun

  • Comfortable to be with

  • Listens to me

  • I don’t have to compromise who I am

  • Trustworthy

  • Enriches my life

  • Non-judgemental

  • Kind and supportive

At the completion of this module, I have realised a few things. One is that dating is a time to learn more about yourself through a relationship with others. It is a time to see what qualities you need and like in others and to ensure you also possess the traits you are seeking in others.

I discovered that it is also important to make sure that you possess each and every quality you are asking for in a partner. You cannot ask in another what you yourself do not possess. So it is important for me to ensure I continue to work on myself to be the best version of me that I can be!

Catch up on Part 1 here

What are your deal-breakers and desired traits in a partner? Let us know in the comments below or join the conversation on FacebookTwitter & Instagram. And if you are ready to narrow down the world of possibilities, sign up to eharmony today- find someone made for you.

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