How to overcome your shyness and learn to flirt


If we didn’t flirt with each other it would be very hard to let someone know when we want to have a relationship with them, especially if you are shy. We would have to rely on outright declarations of attraction which could be met with humiliating rejection. Flirting is the way we test the water before we go any further with someone. Like many aspects of communication it is an art that can be practiced. Here is a beginner’s guide for shy people.   

Practice online

It is likely that your first contact with matches will be online and this is the perfect training ground for flirting techniques. You may be communicating with more than one person so you will get opportunities to try different techniques in different conversations. Make it your mission to end every conversation leaving the other person with a smile on their face either because you have been having some light-hearted banter or because you have made them feel good about themselves. Be bold in your communication, give compliments, practice making innuendos and see what reaction you get. Make good use of emoticons to emphasise the fact you are joking, being cheeky or blushing. Take notice of how you feel when someone flirts with you. What did they say and how did it make you feel? The great thing about practicing online is you can edit what you are going to say and read back over the conversation to see what worked and what didn’t. Like anything else practice makes perfect so speak to as many matches as you can.

Body language

Before too long you will move onto meeting someone face to face and then the art of flirting becomes much more subtle. Around 80% of communication is non-verbal so you don’t need to be a great conversationalist in order to be a good flirt. The first thing to remember is to have an open and welcoming posture. First uncross your arms and legs as this looks defensive and like you don’t want anyone to talk to you. Next take your eyes from your shoes and look up and interested in what is going on around you rather than introspective. When your date approaches you they will immediately get a sense of you as a warm and welcoming person who is pleased to see them and your date will get off to the best possible start. Keep your posture open and engaged through your date and avoid hunched shoulders and crossed arms.

Be attentive

Give your date your full and undivided attention. Being a good listener is much more important than being witty. Listen closely to what your date is talking about and give lots of non verbal feedback like smiles, nods and laughter. Don’t allow other things like mobile phones and other people to distract you. When you are listening to your date allow playful thoughts to cross your mind as this will stop you from looking too serious and keep a twinkle in your eyes. When you have given someone your full attention in this way not only will they come away from the date feeling great but you will too as you will have given it the best possible chance of success.


As you get to know each other better a good way of letting your date know that you like them is by touching their hand or arm while they are talking. Holding hands in the cinema or while crossing the road is also a sure indication of your developing affection for someone – do make sure your hands are warm and hold their hand firmly and affectionately. Eye contact can be used to good effect when dating, letting your eyes linger for a moment or two longer than necessary lets your date know that you find them physically attractive. Be careful not to stare.

Finally stand close but not too close when you are walking or waiting in a queue next to your date but be aware of not invading someone’s personal space and making them feel uncomfortable. It is worth doing some research on body language so that you are able to pick up on the non-verbal cues your date is giving you and use your own skills in the best possible way. There are lots of books and internet sites on the subject.

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