Which love language do you speak?



If you and your partner love one another but feel like you are not connecting, it might be worth identifying and learning each other’s ‘love language’. Gary Chapman, relationship counselor and author of ‘The Five Love Languages’ series, has developed five basic love languages, that is – five ways to express love. It is believed that each person has a primary love language, and it is rare for couples to share the same one. We must learn to speak our partner’s love language if we want to make them feel loved. There are free tests available online that you can use to determine your primary language, but you can also find out by seeing which of the below resonates with you the most.

1.       Words of Affirmation

If this is your primary language, spoken praise and appreciation communicate to you best.  Verbal and written compliments mean the world to you, whereas insults can deeply upset you. There are many ways for your partner to show their love to you, such as telling you “I love you” regularly and the reasons why. Hearing frequent words of encouragement, praise, appreciation and admiration are vital to your self-worth.

2.       Acts of Service

Actions speak louder than words if you’re a speaker of this language. Anything that is done to ease the load of responsibilities weighing you down will be the most meaningful to you. This can be anything from cooking, picking up the dry cleaning, or helping with housework.  Broken commitments and laziness can translate into a lack of care and love. The key for your partner to make you feel truly loved and valued is to serve you out of love, rather than obligation.

3.       Receiving Gifts

This love language is not based on materialism. At the core of love is the spirit of giving, and for some, receiving gifts is the one gesture that makes them feel the most loved. If this is you, you will thrive on the thoughtfulness and effort behind the gifts you receive. You will feel deeply offended and unloved if an anniversary, birthday or other special occasion is forgotten. Through gift-giving, your partner can show you that you are being thought of and cared for, and are valued more than whatever was sacrificed to deliver the gift to you.

4.       Quality Time

Full, undivided attention is what means the most to you if this is your primary language. For you, being 100% present while spending time together is crucial. This means TV, phone, and all other distractions on standby.  Interruptions, postponed plans, and the failure to listen can be extremely hurtful to you. Your partner can show their love by spending plenty of uninterrupted time with you doing activities together or simply talking.

5.       Physical Touch

This language is not restricted to the bedroom. If your primary language is physical touch, thoughtful and timely touches communicate safety, warmth and love to you. This can take the form of holding hands, hugging, and touches on the arm and back. Abuse and neglect can be very destructive and not easily forgotten. Your partner should always think of physical ways to express care, excitement and love to you.

Learn and speak their language

Once you have determined your primary love languages, make a conscious effort to regularly express your love through each other’s language. At the same time, it is important not to forget about the others as everyone uses all five languages. We are just more inclined to one, or sometimes two of them. You should soon see a great improvement in your relationship as you will both be successfully communicating messages of love and appreciation to each other, and reconnecting as a result.

After all, it all comes down to the simple fact that you want your partner to know you love them. 

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