Important things to have in common
When you are meeting and communicating with matches most people are trying to establish whether they have anything in common with each other. When we say we have a lot in common with someone we usually mean we like doing the same things, enjoy the same food or have the same social habits. While these things can make a relationship run smoothly because you are more likely to want to do the same things – on their own shared interests are not usually enough to ensure a lasting relationship.
There are however lots of couples who have been together for many years who share very few interests. The reason these relationships are so successful is because the bond between them is created by what they ‘believe’ rather than what they ‘do’. What they have in common is values.
Having the same values
Your values don’t have to be exactly the same but they should be compatible and not offensive to the other person. While you may have many different tastes and opinions about things your values will determine the choices you make together as a couple.
Your values are the fundamental beliefs that affect every aspect of your life. Value systems inform child rearing, political affiliations, career and lifestyle choices. Having vastly different values can make a relationship impossible. For example, if you are a firm believer in monogamy but you meet someone who believes in open relationships you can’t continue together unless one of you is prepared to change your values.
When any couple get together a certain amount of compromise on both sides is necessary to bring their lives into harmony. Deciding to change a habit that annoys your partner or taking up a new hobby because it is something they enjoy is all part of developing a healthy relationship. There needs to be flexibility on both sides.
If you compromise on deeper issues which affect your core values you may not find the relationship fulfilling. Many people do this because there are so many plus points in the relationship. For example, if a match has a good job, treats you well, enjoys many of the same things as you but doesn’t believe in marriage you might decide that although it is important to you, you will let it go for the sake of the relationship. If you let go of a core value it could grumble away in the background making you feel unhappy and discontent. It won’t feel ‘right’ and it may prove impossible to get rid of that feeling.
How you spend your time
One of the first ways people decide if a match may be compatible is by discovering how they spend their time. While on the surface people are looking for someone who likes similar things, how someone spends their time also holds clues as to what their values are.
Meeting someone who has shared interests will give you common ground for conversation when you meet. It is a fantastic feeling when you meet someone who has read the same books or been to the same concerts for example. You have an immediate bond and affinity and the conversation will probably uncover more things you have in common. This is how friendships are made but for it to develop into something more intimate there must also be commonality at a deeper level. This may only be revealed as you go deeper into the relationship.
The system used by eharmony to select matches takes all of these unconscious processes and does the hard work for you. It selects people based on a deeper level of compatibility.
Sometimes it may not be immediately apparent why you have been matched. Trust the process and you may find that a person you would have completely overlooked in any other walk of life is a perfect match for you.
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