Four Things You Need to Know Before Breaking Up with Someone


1. Your fear is based on a future that doesn’t exist. When you find yourself worrying about the future, remember that these feelings just indicate you are not fully in the present — not that you actually have anything to fear. Recently, I attended a seminar where I was told to go to a store and ask for an item that they definitely did not carry. I became very nervous and my hands started to get clammy as I imagined how awful the experience would be. And I hadn’t even left the room! It then occurred to me that my thoughts were creating these feelings of fear. In the end, I was able to accomplish the challenge and enjoy it. We are really not very good predictors of the future and so it’s best to let go of our fears about what could happen — and focus on what is happening right now.

2. You are not responsible for how others will feel. When you feel guilty about leaving a relationship, it’s really just fear that you are going to hurt the other person. But it’s a common mistake to think we know how others will feel, which we base almost entirely on how we would feel in a similar situation. The truth is, feelings come from our own thoughts — not from other people’s actions. No one can make you feel anything and you cannot make anyone feel anything. Once my clients realise that they are not responsible for how others think, they suddenly feel free to make the right decision for themselves.

3. Your peace and happiness is not dependent on anything or anyone outside of you. All too often, I see people worry if they are making the right decision about leaving a relationship. They believe — incorrectly — that their security, wellbeing and happiness depends on how someone else feels. But your happiness and peace depends on your own thoughts in the moment and NOT on any external factors. Once you realise that, you will suddenly feel free to leave a relationship with no strings attached.

4. Your actions say nothing about who you are. Many people are afraid to leave relationships because they think that it makes them a bad person. They stay because they are afraid of being criticised or labelled as selfish or uncaring. Do not have these fears. Just because you leave a relationship, it does not say anything about you as a person. In fact, leaving a relationship with someone who you believe is not right for you is a very selfless thing to do. Instead of hanging on to a person whom you don’t want to be with, you are letting him or her go free to find another partner who does.

Have you ever had to face a difficult break up? How did you deal with it? Let us know in the comments below, or join the conversation @eHarmony_AU or on

This article originally appeared on eHarmony Blog.

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