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Two Steps To Being Irresistibly Confident

by eharmony Editorial Team - November 21, 2011

Confidence is a very attractive thing, and meeting a new man can put it to the test.  Learn how to boost your self-esteem in a way that naturally draws to you the right man for you.

Confidence is a very attractive thing, and meeting a potential partner can put it to the test. Learn how to boost your self-esteem in a way that naturally draws to you the right partner for you.

If you’re on eharmony, then you believe you deserve a great relationship and are doing what you can to find it. But we’re all prone to getting nervous when we meet someone new, especially when we really like them and think they could be “the one”.  We want to appear confident, so we plan ahead with witty lines and clever banter trying to show a person that we’re “cool”.  Dating like this can be exhausting – not only are we busy trying to look cool, but we’re not really enjoying ourselves because we’re not really being in the moment. 

And here’s the surprising truth: this show of confidence is exactly that – a show.  A man can sense pretense right away, and it can prevent you from truly connecting with his heart…which can then be a hit to your self-esteem.  Think about it: do you connect more with someone who acts like she has her life totally together and is perfect, or with a friend who isn’t afraid to bare her soul to you and show you she’s human…just like you?

Men are no different.  They long to relate to another and feel a connection just the same.  They get nervous on dates, too.  And being with a woman who isn’t afraid to show it is a breath of fresh air.

Searching for tips for how to be more confident?

We look at how to be more confident, managing internal monologues, foster healthy relationships and how to be more confident in yourself.

Here’s how to boost your confidence and open yourself up to a real connection with a man.

Step 1: Let Down Your Guard

A man isn’t attracted to a woman because of how beautiful she is or because she is a certain type.  If that were true, every gorgeous woman on the planet would be attached and would never suffer the pain of heartbreak. All you have to do is look at someone like Halle Berry who has had her fair share of romantic mishaps.  It happens to all of us.

Rather, a man is simply attracted to a woman because he is, and the surprising aspect of this is that he often becomes attracted to the woman who becomes vulnerable with him.  It’s the woman who strips away her defenses and her pretenses and drops her guard.  She’s the woman who speaks from the heart.

You don’t have to play hard to get or be afraid you’ll look to eager.  If you’re happy to be with him, say so, “I feel really excited to be here with you,” – even if it feels scary and like you’re “putting yourself out there.”  You’re not.  You’re expressing a genuine, authentic emotion from the heart (if you really ARE happy to be with him!)

This is REAL confidence.  It’s not about putting on a show and letting a man think you have no fear whatsoever.  Instead, it’s about opening your heart, being vulnerable, having a good time and not needing to know how it’s all going to turn out…

Step 2: Let Go Of Expectations

Have you ever been on a date and, before dessert arrives, you’re already wondering if he’s going to ask you out again or whether you said something to turn him off?  You were so wrapped up in worrying about what was going to happen next that you missed your true opportunity in the present.

When you’re constantly monitoring your actions with a guy, you are demonstrating a real lack of confidence; and it turns him off.  Not only that, but it keeps your true Mr. Right from connecting with you.

Stop worrying about whether or not you are doing and saying the right things to make him like you, and instead take the time to ask yourself, “Do I like HIM?  Is he a good match for ME?”  The best way to do this is to simply bring yourself back to the present moment.  Whenever you feel your thoughts racing ahead to your next date – or some sort of exclusive relationship – bring yourself back to the current experience.  Feel the silverware in your hand, the bite of food in your mouth, what it feels like to look at him and talk with him.

Men find this incredibly attractive because it puts them at ease and lets them see you are enjoying yourself.  And when a man is attracted to you AND he thinks that you are happy in his presence, he WILL ask you out again.  You won’t have to worry about it at all.  Let go of the need to control, and you will be rewarded with outcomes even better than you could have expected.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and trusting things to unfold naturally is true confidence.  So, the next time you’re out with a man, see what happens when you throw out any pretenses, focus on the present, and just enjoy getting to know the man in front of you.

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