How to ask a coworker out without making it weird

If you’re wondering how to ask out a coworker, we’ve got the ideal process to adapt to your general approach.

We understand that when it comes to mixing work and dating, the landscape can feel like a minefield. But seeing as over 1-in-10 relationships start at work¹, feeling attracted to coworkers is perfectly normal. After all, your colleagues end up comprising a significant part of your relationships and social interactions.

But when considering how to ask a coworker out, it’s important for your career and well-being to closely follow both unwritten professional boundaries in the workplace, as well as very much written boundaries set out by your HR policies.

Let’s take a look at some simple and respectful ways of not just how to ask a colleague out, but how to get to that place appropriately, as well as the best way to handle any outcome. 

How to ask a coworker out: Eleven applicable steps

While we’re big fans of the unfettered romantic potential that could possibly exist between two compatible singles, a conservative and structured approach might be your safest bet here.

Steps for how to ask a coworker out the right way:

1. Check your HR policy – Find out if your workplace even permits interoffice romances. Your employment contract or a quick chat with HR should clear this up.
2. Establish eligibility – You need to find out if they’re currently single and whether your sexual preferences align. Ask someone you know in their department, as they often naturally glean this information from nearby coworkers.
3. Look out for signs of interest.
4. Pick the right time.
5. Don’t rush the situation – We’ll be covering these three concepts in more depth later.
6. Follow one of their socials – See how they react to you engaging with their content. Avoid deep liking, though. Stick to recent posts.
7. Be authentic and respectful – Everyone has their own style. We have a separate article for how to ask someone out in a normal setting, but in the workplace, you’ll need to adjust. The best way to do this is to be straightforward with them and treat them with all the respect due to a colleague.
8. Ask them out casually – Romantic declarations create social pressure and can be disruptive in the office. Pick a low-stress day when they’re taking a break or something, and simply run the idea of meeting outside of work by them.
9. Pick a safe and low-key date idea.
10. Accept their answer – If it’s a no, you’re going to have to just leave it at that.
11. Know when to let it go – After a rejection, you can still interact with them, but keep it friendly and completely professional. Abandon any ideas of how to ask that coworker out again. 

How to not make asking a coworker out awkward or unprofessional

• Start small with office romances, like asking a coworker out for coffee. Coffee dates can help things be less invasive, safer for both parties and feel low-pressure.
• Gender dynamics are important. Asking a female coworker out is somewhat more socially loaded than asking male coworkers, as they tend to overwhelmingly be on the victim side of workplace sexual harassment.
• Avoid asking a coworker out to lunch during their break, or during a time they might otherwise reserve for other commitments. Free time is a precious resource to modern workers.
• Avoid any language that sexually objectifies or could make them feel uncomfortable. Even comments on their looks can be taken the wrong way if unwelcome. Keep it light and respectful.
• Be aware of the power dynamics when considering how to ask that coworker out. If there’s a power difference, particularly when you’re in a position directly above them and can affect their career, they may feel pressured to say yes.

Asking a coworker out via text or messaging app

While we’d typically say asking someone out over text is one of the best ways to keep things casual, respect their space and elicit a more authentic response, this logic is essentially reversed when it comes to asking out a coworker.

This is because coworkers, unlike most two people interacting, have a clearly defined professional relationship from the outset. Experiences with workplace conflict have shown that colleagues being unable to default back to this basic relationship can be very destructive to workplace harmony and personal productivity.²

If you’re figuring out how to ask a coworker out casually and are thinking of texting them, don’t if you don’t already regularly text each other for work or social reasons. It can be perceived as crossing a boundary.

If you already have the kind of relationship where you text, try not to deviate from your regular tone. Keep it light and casual. Be direct, friendly and to the point. And remember to be patient with their answer. If it’s a no, assure them that you were just exploring the possibility and there are no hard feelings.

You could try messages like this:

• “Hey, want to grab a coffee after work on Friday? I’ve read that this new cafe is amazing.”
• “I don’t want to put you on the spot in the office, but I enjoy our conversations and was wondering if you’d be open to doing something together sometime after hours?”
• “I’m going to this event this weekend, and everyone I know is busy. Got an extra ticket. Interested in keeping me company?”

But is it ethical to explore dating some coworkers in the first place? That question brings us to a deeper and more important consideration: not just how to ask, but whether you should—especially when workplace dynamics, power imbalances, and professional boundaries come into play.

Before considering how to ask a coworker out, consider whether it’s right for you to do so to begin with. Practically, you’ll have to negotiate reduced boundaries between work and home life, conflicts from your dating life leaking into your professional life – or vice versa – and that if things don’t work out, you still need to interact every day.

Even if HR policy doesn’t have a process for it, your organizational culture can make romances frowned upon or difficult to act on. The notion of consent is also drawn into much sharper focus in workplace romances.

Is asking out a coworker harassment or unprofessional?

Not if there isn’t a difference in power dynamics. Or where one party’s actions can have an undue effect on the other’s freedom to express themselves honestly, which would often be to protect their career at that company.

There’s also a very fine line between a friendly enquiry about the possibility and workplace harassment. That line is crossed if you don’t take the initial answer at face value and continue pursuing them or allow a negative answer to affect how you treat that person in the workplace.

So, the general formula to follow is that one respectful invitation does not equal harassment. Anything more than that is unprofessional and inappropriate.  

Can you get fired for asking a coworker out?

No. Even if relationships aren’t permitted where you work, simply asking someone out probably won’t get your employment terminated. At most, HR will give you a simple warning that is mostly informational.

However, HR policies are there for a reason. They often not only protect the company itself from liability but also the employees from taking out their romantic grievances on each other.

In some cases, asking out a coworker who is leaving can be the most ideal situation for how to ask them out casually. There’s no risk of the answer affecting either of your companies or workplaces, you likely have some existing connection, and they may be more open to it with work no longer being a factor.

When to ask your coworker out

When you’re considering how to ask a coworker out and whether it’s a good idea, always take time to observe and assess the situation to decide when it’s the right moment.

1. Take it slow: Maintain a slow and steady pace for the relationship.  Even if sparks are flying from day one, this is an idea that both of you need to consider deeply beforehand. Become office friends first and see how that goes, before you consider moving forward on your initial intentions. 
2. Observe signs of attraction: Before you make any moves, try to establish whether there’s mutual attraction and existing chemistry. If you already vibe well, asking them out will seem more natural than if you’re just someone they occasionally interact with in the office break room.
   How do you know if your coworker likes you? Someone with a work crush on you might behave somewhat differently with you. This can include contacting you frequently, responding quickly, often initiating casual conversation, asking about your home life and mirroring your posture and body language.
3. Find the right timing: As we said, timing is everything in office romances. When considering when to ask someone out, understand that the right timing works slightly differently in professional spheres.
   Avoid asking during times of work stress, when either of you are working on projects that are taking up a lot of time and energy, or when formal reviews are impending. In general, wait for a time when their mind is less filled with work stuff. Also, ensure that the interaction is just between you two and can’t disrupt anything else going on in the office.   

Focus on how to ask a coworker out without affecting the dynamic

It’s easy to tell that workplace romances are a lot more fraught than your typical avenues for dating. And yet people are still asking the internet how to ask a coworker out more than ever, and it remains among the most common places couples meet. The basic reason for this is that human attraction is kind of out of our hands, psychologically. Combine that with proximity and sharing generally similar lifestyles, and you realize it’d be more absurd if it didn’t happen regularly.

So at the end of the day, the best approach when figuring out how to ask out a coworker is simple, if not somewhat different from traditional dating: get to know your company, get to know them, venture dauntlessly through the friend zone and once you feel reasonably certain all the right pieces are in place, just go for it and ask the question without making a big deal of it, disrupting other coworkers or letting their answer affect your behavior. Once you’re sure you can negotiate those aspects, it will start to feel like any two random people falling in love.

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